


Give Me A Sign

by Heather_Night



Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:43:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 30,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15631848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heather_Night/pseuds/Heather_Night
Summary: Something crunched behind him and Adrian looked over his shoulder.He had the impression of a tall body but then something pressed over his nose and mouth and he was too busy trying to catch his breath.Kicking his feet out, Adrian tried to escape this guy’s hold.  He threw elbows and bucked but he was dizzy and the little energy he’d had was fading.This was proof, and not the good kind, that he wasn’t paranoid.  Someonehadbeen watching him.  But why?His vision grayed at the edges and his legs collapsed out from under him.He had a moment to think of Deran—his friend would turn the world upside down to find him—and then gray turned black.





	1. Starting to Break

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go with the second of my hurt/comfort bingo prompts--rape/non-con. I wrote the first part fairly quickly and thought I was done, but nope, I wanted to see what happened next. As usual when I haven't plotted something out intricately things can get very messy very fast and this is the result. If you like your Deran trying hard to give Adrian what he needs then this might be your cup of tea. There is some Deran/Linc but don't let that freak you out...that's not at all endgame (and if that's what you wanted my apologies but Adrian, paired with Deran, is so my jam). 
> 
> I'm finding it easier writing fics in this fandom that have either happened before or after the action on the screen so it won't match exactly what's happened to date but it definitely borrows heavily from show events.
> 
> If you think I need to change my tags please let me know. Otherwise, I'll be posting this three parter pretty quickly so if I manage to suck you in initially, I won't be leaving you hanging as the story is complete.

_No longer the lost_  
_No longer the same_  
_And I can see you starting to break_

\- _Give Me A Sign_ by Breaking Benjamin

 

Adrian took a deep breath. He wasn’t the one making an issue out of this but apparently Deran was hellbent on getting this out into the open. “Well. I think I’m ready to be in a relationship with you. You know, just the two of us? That would be something I’d be interested in pursuing.” 

It wasn’t his usual assigned night to see Deran so he’d been surprised, and elated, to receive the invitation to hang out. He wasn’t even sure Deran was aware there was some sort of demented custody arrangement; Adrian spent one evening with him, Deran took one for himself, Deran spent the next with Linc, Deran took another for himself and then the schedule started over.

He’d been waiting for Deran to give him some sort of sign that he was ready to change their relationship, had thought Deran changing up the schedule tonight meant he was ready to get serious. Especially in conjunction with Deran’s question about where Adrian wanted things to go between them. Having this conversation in a crowded bar wasn’t exactly his first choice but he could roll with it. 

There’s a lot Adrian would roll with to spend time with Deran.

Deran pulled a face. “Facebook references, man? Next you’ll be telling me you want to go steady.” He shook his head, disgust etched in his crinkled nose. “It’s like I’m getting squeezed from both sides. I didn’t expect this from you.” He didn’t say the word but it felt to Adrian like the _too_ was implied.

Deran’s comment hurt like getting a board to the solar plexus. He obviously knew Deran was still seeing Linc—in fact tonight was supposed to be the other guy’s night to see Deran—but he’d held his tongue on the subject. He couldn’t make Deran settle down but lately he’d thought maybe he was getting closer to being open to it. Adrian didn’t want to rush his friend, and yes, they were friends first, but he had high hopes.

Then again maybe Adrian had misread things and Deran was getting ready to settle down…with Linc.

Adrian pushed his beer bottle away from him. The hair on the back of his neck felt electrified the way they did when someone stared at him too hard. He turned around, seeing if it was his imagination. He’d been feeling that sensation a lot lately, but he never could figure out where the attention was coming from. It was kind of starting to freak him out.

“Am I boring you?” Deran had broken out the sarcasm.

Ignoring the tone, Adrian turned back without making a thorough search of the bar like he wanted and answered the question. “Never.” He took a deep breath; he wasn’t sure he should admit this aloud but he pushed forward. “It just feels like someone’s watching me. I’ve felt that way a lot lately. It’s kind of freaking me the hell out.” 

“You’re paranoid.” Deran huffed and rolled his eyes. Then he mumbled something else beneath his breath but in the crowded bar Adrian couldn’t hear him.

When they were younger Adrian didn’t have a problem making himself vulnerable in front of Deran but now it seemed like it would be held against him. Maybe that was his imagination, too. 

“Thanks for your concern.” Now Adrian was resorting to sarcasm. He scrubbed his face with his hands, exhausted by the turn of events. He’d thought he’d be spending a little time with Deran at the bar and then they’d do something together. His last two nights with Deran had been a little different than the preceding ones because Deran had just wanted to stay in and fuck. He’d taken that to be one of the little signs that things were changing but upon reflection, it could just be that Deran didn’t want to be seen with him in public. Not even to surf.

He did know that he wasn’t going to let Deran walk all over him. He might be nice but he wasn’t a doormat. “You know, I’m not the one who started this conversation. If you didn’t want to know how I felt why’d you ask?”

Deran didn’t even have to think about his answer. “Because I thought I could count on you to keep things simple!” 

Adrian had always been a little dense when it came to his relationship with Deran but things were crystalizing for him. Linc wanted more out of his relationship with Deran. Deran had wanted sympathy, or something like it, and Adrian hadn’t obliged. Did Deran pull this shit with Linc? He doubted it. Linc was a professional, like Deran who was a business owner, while Adrian was just a student. 

He needed to stop this shit. It wasn’t supposed to be a competition but in his head Adrian kept making it one. When he compared himself to Linc he always came up short. The guy was accomplished, funny, beautiful and got to be seen in public with Deran.

Adrian had none of these things going for him.

He didn’t know how to get things back on track but he wanted to try. “I don’t want to fight with you tonight.”

“Could’ve fooled me.” Deran swallowed the rest of his beer and stared at the bottle in his hand. 

Heather called Deran to the bar and he pushed back his chair and left the table without even making eye contact.

Digging his thumb into the throbbing pain over his left eye, Adrian decided it was smarter to cut his losses, regroup and try again. 

Normally he would drop his bottle at the bar but he didn’t want to enflame Deran’s temper any more by getting too close. It somehow felt like his mere presence aggravated the other man tonight. 

He slipped out the door as a large group entered The Drop. At least business was good for Deran. Adrian was incredibly proud of Deran for cutting ties with Smurf, at least on this front.

Turning to the right, Adrian cut through the alley. He debated between putting some more time in on the board Craig wanted for his special lady friend or heading home. Chad was out of town so home won out. He’d told Chad he’d pay rent this month to make up for when he’d been on tour and he was still a little short but when he completed his next two commissions he’d have enough. 

He’d worry about the money situation tomorrow.

He had a reading assignment for Professor Gerber’s Human Sexuality class but at the moment any thoughts of sex depressed Adrian. And Professor Gerber was kind of freaking him out. Ever since he’d completed a survey for the class, the guy had started singling him out for attention. It was uncomfortable. And weird.

Meh. He needed a break from stress. Instead of being responsible he could maybe stop for some ice cream or something. Isn’t that what people did when they were depressed? Sit in front of the TV or computer and eat a tub of ice cream? That’s what Jess had done in the past but his sister was disgustingly happy now. Happily married. Enjoying motherhood. The domestic scene suited her.

Deran wanted what his sister had. Not necessarily the baby, at least not right away, but he wanted more. With Deran.

Thus, the depression, or at least what passed for it in Adrian. Although it’s not like he and Deran had broken up. They weren’t exclusive so how could they break up?

Something crunched behind him and Adrian looked over his shoulder.

He had the impression of a tall body but then something pressed over his nose and mouth and he was too busy trying to catch his breath. 

Kicking his feet out, Adrian tried to escape this guy’s hold. He threw elbows and bucked but he was dizzy and the little energy he’d had was fading.

This was proof, and not the good kind, that he wasn’t paranoid. Someone _had_ been watching him. But why?

His vision grayed at the edges and his legs collapsed out from under him.

He had a moment to think of Deran—his friend would turn the world upside down to find him—and then gray turned black.

-0-

It had been three days since Deran had heard from Adrian and it was driving him crazy. He’d left a voicemail sort of apologizing but he hadn’t heard anything back.

That wasn’t like Adrian at all but Deran was beginning to think he’d blown his chances. He’d had every intention of saying sorry at the bar the other night because he’d been the one spoiling for a fight but Adrian had disappeared without a word.

His cell phone signaled an incoming call and Deran pulled it out of his pocket, hoping to see Adrian’s name.

His shoulders dropped; it was Craig.

“Bro, where the hell is Adrian? He said he’d have a board ready for me and I can’t get a hold of him.” Craig rattled on.

Deran quietly seethed. “How the hell should I know?”

“Um, I thought you were seeing him?” Craig sounded perplexed. 

His asshole brother didn’t even realize he was the reason Deran had freaked out last week. They’d been hanging out and out of the blue, talking about Adrian, and Craig had announced Deran was whipped and asked when he was gonna put a ring on it.

Deran was not whipped. He enjoyed spending time with Adrian but that was it. Right? No need to get serious and shit. 

But if that was true why was he losing his mind after three days of radio silence?

“I’m not his keeper. Did you ask Tao?” Deran knew he sounded surly but the last thing he needed was reminders of Adrian right now.

Craig’s snort was the equivalent of _duh_. “Course I did. Adrian’s been a no show at the shop and hasn’t called either. I talked to Adrian’s asshole roommate and he said Adrian took off without paying the rent. That’s not like him, man. What’s going on?”

Deran rubbed his face. It wasn’t like Adrian to run, or hide—that was more Deran’s thing—but maybe Deran had pushed him to it?

He remembered the fleeting look of hurt on Adrian’s face when Deran had blurted out that he was getting squeezed by both of the guys in his life. He knew it wasn’t fair to throw Linc in Adrian’s face. Adrian made few demands on Deran—he wanted Deran not to lie to him, ever, and he wanted him to have as little to do with Smurf as possible—but he didn’t nag or demand or whine.

Shit. He really did have a good thing going with Adrian. Or at least he had.

“Let me give him a call. I’ll let you know what he says.” Craig was squawking something when he disconnected the call. 

Deran pulled up Adrian’s number. It rang and rang and rang. At least Adrian wasn’t rejecting his calls. But where was he? Adrian’s husky voice invited him to invite a message. “Craig wants to know about the board you said you’d do for him. Can you give a call so he’ll get off my ass?”

He disconnected and instantly regretted the message. That was not the message of someone who was sorry. That was the message of an entitled asshole. 

There was a brisk knock on the bar’s door. Despite ignoring it, the knocks turned to pounding. They weren’t going to go away. “All right, all right, I’m coming.”

It was probably a delivery although he’d thought the regulars all knew to come to the back door.

It wasn’t a delivery guy. It was two female cops if Deran had them pegged right. One blond and one brunette. He remembered that old show Smurf watched sometimes. Cagney and Lacey. Yep, he was letting Cagney and Lacey into his bar. “What can I do for you?”

The one flashed her badge. “We’d like to ask you some questions about Adrian Jones.”

Deran crossed his arms over his chest. He knew he looked defensive but he was fine with that—he was defensive. What had Adrian done? His friend wasn’t one to the break the law. Except when it came to pot. Or maybe he was doing harder stuff now. Maybe he had a coke habit Deran had somehow missed? He’d been snorting the stuff when he’d been on tour but Deran had thought he’d stopped. That would explain his disappearing act. It would also explain why Adrian was so paranoid—heavy coke use did that sometimes. 

Jesus, just what he needed. “What about Adrian?”

But this was Adrian. The kid he’d grown up with. The guy who pretty much dropped everything in his life when Derran needed him. Deran would do the same even though Smurf would have a conniption if she found out he was talking to cops.

“We’re following up on a missing persons report and his sister suggested we talk to you.” The blond, Cagney, tilted her head to the side. She probably thought it made her look approachable but Deran thought it made her look like a dog waiting for a treat.

Then it hit him. “Jess doesn’t know where Adrian is?”

That wasn’t like Adrian. Actually, none of this was like Adrian. 

The dark haired one, the one Deran coined as Lacey, spoke up. “No, but she did suggest you might know.”

“Why would I know?” Were they trying to pin something on him?

Cagney blinked her eyes. “Adrian’s sister seemed to think you were his best friend.”

“Uh, yeah?” Not a resounding answer but Deran was trying to find his footing here.

Lacey pulled out a notebook. “Are you sure about that? Never mind. When’s the last time you talked to your _friend_?” The emphasis on the last word didn’t escape his notice. What exactly was she implying?

Focus. He needed to get his shit together. This could be serious. If it was serious wouldn’t he know? 

“He came by the bar Monday night.” It was Thursday so he knew that was right. 

“Did he seem okay? Was something bothering him?” These two had their schtick down, taking turns with the questions. 

Deran’s immediate reaction was _fuck no_. He thought about it and yeah, something, other than Deran that is, had been bothering his friend. “He said he felt like someone was watching him. That it had been happening a lot to him lately.”

“Was Adrian prone to that kind of drama?”

Something cold settled in the pit of Deran’s stomach. She’d said _was._. Past tense.

“Adrian isn’t into drama. He’s the most mellow guy you’ll ever meet.” Of the two of them, Deran was closer to being the drama queen. Why _had_ Deran accused Adrian of being paranoid? It probably had to do with Linc calling Deran out on his shitty behavior. He’d felt picked on and he’d turned around and spread his misery.

And now Adrian was missing.

“What you’re saying is consistent with what his sister said.” She shrugged. “I guess you are friends with him, I was beginning to wonder for a moment.” The blond was a bit of a bitch. 

It didn’t matter if she was a bitch. Not if she could find Adrian.

The brunette reentered the conversation. “Is it normal for you not to hear from your best friend for three days?”

No. No, it wasn’t. Even on the days he didn’t see Adrian, they usually texted. Deran hadn’t thought anything of it, other than thinking Adrian was mad at him. 

Both cops frowned, not waiting for him to verbalize his thoughts. He must be slipping if they could read his face and body language.

“So, what’s next? How can I help?” He had to do something.

“I’m not going to lie, the longer Adrian is missing—assuming he didn’t run away—the less likely we are of finding any leads. It’s too bad nobody reported him missing before today.” The brunette actually reached out and patted his arm. “If you hear anything, please let us know.” 

The blond handed him a card.

They let themselves out as Deran sank onto a barstool, head in his hands.

The guilt he’d felt before for hurting Adrian’s feelings was nothing like the guilt he felt now. 

He should’ve known something was wrong.

-0-

Pain wasn’t really a problem so Adrian doubted he had a hangover.

Why couldn’t he remember where he was? 

Why couldn’t he move?

Something was really, really wrong.

Someone moaned. His throat hurt. Was that him?

His hair was tugged, he could feel the pressure, but it didn’t hurt. “That’s right make all the noise you want. Our client likes when you fight back. Says you like pain.”

Client?

_Pain?_

Adrian tried to roll away from whoever was pulling his hair. He couldn’t move. There was pressure on his ankles, wrists, mouth…what was happening?

“Give him another hit. We need to move him and we don’t want a fight on our hands.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I like it when he fights. So do the others.”

“Just don’t damage the merchandise.”

There was a slight pinch in his neck and Adrian lost the thread of the conversations going on around him.

Where was Deran? Deran would take care of him.

-0-

Deran had just closed up the bar and was thinking about his next move.

It had been seven days since he’d seen Adrian.

Seven days since anyone had seen him.

His phone rang. Linc. He rejected the call. 

After the visit from the two detectives Deran had lost his shit. He had pretty much told the other man he couldn’t see him anymore and Linc hadn’t argued with him. He knew it was too little, too late, seeing as he’d fucked the other guy into oblivion the day after he’d last seen Adrian but still. It didn’t seem right. Not now that he realized he lov…had feelings for Adrian.

Linc called again.

Deran rolled his eyes. Fine, he’d see what Linc wanted. 

He’d really enjoyed having Linc in his life. They’d had a lot in common, at least with hobbies, and the guy was hot and sexy as fuck, but there was something missing. He wasn’t Adrian.

Adrian. It all came back to his missing friend. Without his best friend-slash-lover-slash- everything it felt like Deran was just treading water. 

“What’s up, Linc?” Deran wanted to stay on cordial terms with the man, maybe be friends at some point, but not right now.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this—it puts my job on the line—but Adrian is here.” The words were rushed and Linc sounded out of breath.

If his schedule hadn’t changed that meant Linc was working the night shift at the ER. “He’s at the hospital? Is he okay?”

“Don’t ask me that, man. I’ll lose my job. I could lose it just for telling you he’s here. You’ve got to promise you won’t tell anyone we talked.” The usually even-tempered guy sounded like he was going to lose it.

“Yeah, of course, I won’t tell anyone. Thank you.” Deran had to sit down as dizziness moved over him in a wave.

There was a commotion in the background and then Linc was back. “I’ve got to get back to him. Bye.” He disconnected.

Deran pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it. That was it? Adrian was at the hospital but no idea of where he’d been or if he was okay? 

But thanks to Linc he knew where he was now.

A quick detour to the back room so he could pull on clean clothing—he didn’t need to show up smelling like beer and fried foods—and then Deran was on his way to the hospital.

It was easy to find parking but then again it was nearly 3 a.m. He approached the desk. “Hi, I’m looking for Adrian Jones. He was brought in not long ago.”

The tired looking woman tucked a strand of gray hair behind her ear and typed on her keyboard. She frowned. “Date of birth?”

Deran spit out the requested information. Adrian’s birthday was the day after his—he didn’t think he could forget it if he tried. It was one of the first things they’d bonded over as kids.

The woman typed some more and pursed her lips. He could see his opportunity slipping away.

“I’m his emergency contact, Deran Cody. His sister, Jess, isn’t in the area right now. Look, can I see him?” If he didn’t get to see Adrian he was going to lose his shit.

A familiar voice piped up from behind him. “Mr. Cody, I hear your friend has been asking for you. Right this way.” It was Cagney, the bitchy blond cop.

The woman at the desk buzzed them through the locked door and he followed Cagney, practically plowing into her back when she stopped without warning. Jesus, he really should find out her name so he didn’t have to refer to her by the name of that character in that cheesy 80’s show.

“Listen, I’m only telling you this because Adrian was asking for you. He was kidnapped, we think it’s a human trafficking ring operating in the area, and he’s been heavily drugged. The van he was in rolled over so he’s pretty banged up. I can’t tell you anymore right now so don’t ask.” She put her hand up when Deran opened his mouth to pepper her with questions.

“Deran?” It was a painful sounding croak and it didn’t sound anything like Adrian. Well maybe Adrian after he’d been deep throating Deran which suddenly meant something different since the cop had mentioned human trafficking. Did that mean—?

Nope, he couldn’t go there. Adrian needed him to be strong.

Deran squared his shoulders and went into the cubicle. “Hey, Adrian, I’m here.”

His stomach rolled when he got a good look at the man on the bed. There was a big bruise peeking out from beneath messy bangs, dark smudges beneath his eyes and red marks on both sides of his mouth that made Deran think of the The Joker from Batman. 

The head of the bed was raised so that when Adrian lifted his arms toward Deran, he thought it was safe to sit carefully on the side of the bed and pull him into his arms. 

Both of Adrian’s wrists were heavily bandaged and he was very careful of them, and the IV in his right hand, as he eased Adrian against his chest. Adrian wasn’t quite as careful as he flung both arms around Deran’s neck and flopped his head over Deran’s shoulder. 

Adrian’s back quivered and Deran felt moisture soaking through his shirt. “You’re safe now, Adrian. I’m right here.” He rocked Adrian carefully, reveling in the contact, his own eyes flooding with moisture. 

For a while he’d thought he’d never see Adrian again. Never get to hold him tight in his arms.

Never get to tell him he how he felt.

The hitching breaths tapered off and the weight over his shoulder became heavier; Adrian had either passed out or fallen asleep.

Deran tensed as someone entered the space.

“Good, he’s out. That will make it easier for him. Do you mind stepping outside for a while? We need to do an exam.” Linc was here.

Linc was treating Adrian? 

Deran knew first hand that Linc was competent—he’d been the nurse assigned to Craig when the doofus had separated his shoulder—but he didn’t know what Adrian would think of Linc being his nurse.

Cagney was now in the room. “Let the staff do their job. I’m sure they’ll let you back in when they’re done.”

He eased Adrian back against the pillow. His gown was the same shade of white as his pillow and his skin was pretty close to them both although his freckles, and the bruising on his forehead and beneath his eyes, stood out starkly against the pallor.

Even Adrian’s lips were lacking in color, no longer a vibrant pink but a dull bluish gray.

Deran followed Cagney into the hallway. “What are they doing?”

Cagney’s face was drawn. This was the supposed bitchy cop? “They have to do a SANE exam.”

“What’s that?” It sounded familiar but he was sleep deprived and worried.

The cop’s face gentled. Was that pity? “It’s a sexual assault exam that preserves forensic evidence as well as STI and drug testing. Since your friend is asleep the crisis team will probably visit with him later.”

Deran staggered back against the wall. The cop actually guided him into a hard-backed plastic chair.

He’d known it was a possibility when she’d mentioned human trafficking but who would want to do that to Adrian?

Evidently the filter was off and he’d said that aloud because Cagney cleared her throat. “Although Adrian doesn’t fit many of the traits associated with the typical sex trafficking victim, we believe he was specifically targeted because he doesn’t have close family in the area so he wouldn’t be missed right away and he’s, um, very attractive.”

“But he’s a guy.” Deran leaned his forearms on his thighs, feeling winded. He always thought of victims of sex trafficking as being women or children.

“Unfortunately, there’s a market for fit, striking men, especially ones that maybe come across as, uh, being biddable?” Deran looked up, ready to protest, and saw the flush of pink rising over the woman’s cheekbones as she tried to explain this.

He subsided in the chair; Adrian was all of those things. Surfing, yoga and running kept him ridiculously fit as evidenced by his toned rack; his muscled biceps and plump ass were particular favorites of Deran’s. 

Adrian’s pale, freckled complexion, bright blue eyes and chiseled jawline were striking. 

Adrian was quite possibly the sweetest person Deran knew and he was good with people. A definite people pleaser. Or was she talking about sex? Adrian could get pushy during sex but Deran was pretty certain he preferred it when Deran took the lead. At least the noises he made, and how quickly he got turned on, seemed to bear that theory out. 

The brunette cop showed up and pulled the blond aside. They seemed to have a very quiet, but very heated, conversation not far from where Deran sat.

Lacey approached him. “They’re going to admit your friend and it will be morning before he can have any visitors.”

Deran stood up. He knew he’d pushed a lot of boundaries in order to see Adrian and he didn’t want to get thrown out so he’d leave. Just for now.

He’d return in the morning. 

“Do you know if he’s going to be okay?” His eyes flooded with tears again and he blinked them away. 

Lacey looked toward the room but the curtains were pulled and there wasn’t anything to see. “Get some rest, Mr. Cody.”

Deran dragged himself out of the chair and trudged toward the exit.

Adrian _had_ been calling his name when he’d arrived. That was small consolation but he’d take what he could get.

Deran wasn’t sure he could sleep but Adrian was going need him so he had to try.

First, he’d grill Linc for some answers.

-0-

Adrian’s mind was numb but his body wasn’t. Every bruise, every scrape, every little thing ached.

He’d had a long talk with his doctor; Adrian was on a prophylaxis regimen to help prevent any long-term effects from his time with his kidnappers seeing as the probability the kidnappers had used condoms seemed really fucking low.

He’d had a long talk with the nice detectives who had brought him his cell phone—apparently, he had dropped it in the scuffle when he’d been taken and they’d recovered it.

He needed to have a long talk with other people but first he needed to get better.

The messages he’d heard had been a revelation. His coworker who he’d also considered a friend had chewed him out for not showing up, multiple times and in multiple languages. Chad accused him of leaving him high and dry, skipping out on the rent. Craig was huffy, well as huffy as he ever sounded, wondering why the board wasn’t ready.

Deran had left a half-assed apology in which he ultimately blamed Adrian for spoiling his Monday. The follow up voicemail three days later was about the board for Craig.

No anxious calls or texts, wondering where he was, wondering if he was okay. And Adrian had been so certain before he’d blacked out that Deran would know something was wrong. It was his last clear thought before whatever the hell had happened to him. It’s probably why he’d woken up calling for Deran. 

He’d been so certain Deran would do everything in his power to find him. Hell, he didn’t even think his friend realized he’d been missing.

Only Jess’s voicemails had shown concern.

Adrian obviously needed to make some changes in his life. 

His stomach cramped uncomfortably, something to do with coming off the drugs that had been pumped into his system, and Adrian curled on his side around a pillow. He wasn’t going to complain about the drugs because the drugs had stolen his memory. 

His squeezed his eyes tight. He never wanted to remember what had happened to him.

“Hey, can I come in?”

Adrian wondered what Deran would do if he ignored him. He kept his eyes closed thinking maybe he’d go away.

He heard the scrape of a chair and the sound of an ass hitting said chair.

Deran wasn’t going to go away.

Adrian blinked his eyes open. 

“Hey, there you are. How are you feeling?” Deran’s tone was achingly sweet and Adrian wondered where this guy, the guy he’d grown up with, had been when Adrian had disappeared.

Tears leaked out of his eyes and Adrian ignored them. The doctor said the drugs, and the detox from the drugs, would make him overly emotional.

“Do you need me to get the nurse?” Deran sounded panicked. Codys didn’t do emotions, they really didn’t do crying, so this must be stressful for him.

Adrian shook his head. He didn’t need the nurse. He didn’t need anyone.

Just some time to heal and get his act together, make some plans.

Get a new life.

“Please don’t cry, babe.” Deran reached his hand out, maybe to touch his hair, and Adrian pulled back in shock.

 _Babe?_. That was a little too close to Smurf and her overuse of _baby_.

“I forgot, you probably don’t want to be touched. Not after what you went through, with, you know, those men…” Deran’s face burned bright pink.

What the fuck? “What I went through with those men?” Adrian cringed at the gargled with cut glass noise he made when he talked, pushing himself up until he was sitting.

“You know.” Deran stared at the floor, maybe hoping it would open up and swallow him whole.

What was usually high on Deran’s list of priorities? That might give Adrian a clue as to what he was talking about.

Ahhh.

“Sex. How would you even know that? The detectives told me what they shared with you and although I can see where you’d make that leap, you seem to have something pretty specific in mind.” Adrian stared Deran down but he was sure the effect he was going for was lost as more tears spilled down his cheeks. It was happening so frequently he didn’t even bother to dry them anymore. 

Adrian had turned into the leaky faucet in the kitchen that never got fixed. Maybe he ought to stick a bucket beneath his face and call it a day, just like at home. What used to be home. He wasn’t going back there.

“I, uh, might’ve talked to your nurse.” Deran might not like his tears but they seemed to be having an interesting impact on him. Maybe this was Adrian’s new superpower? He could cry and get people to tell him the truth.

He snorted and even that hurt his throat. Adrian didn’t like to manipulate people, he’d grown up in that kind of environment and it sucked, so crying was out. At least once he got a handle on these stupid emotions.

Back to the topic at hand. “A nurse.”

Jesus. Linc. Of course. Adrian knew he was at the hospital where Linc worked but it had never occurred to him that the guy would treat him. Wasn’t that a conflict of interest or something?

“Don’t you mean Linc? What happened to turning over a new leaf and being honest with me? Was that just lip service?” Adrian might’ve wanted to sound stern but this croaking sound he made took the sting out of everything he said.

Deran took Adrian’s hand in his. What happened to knowing Adrian didn’t want to be touched? Which, honestly, was bullshit. He didn’t remember what had happened, never wanted to remember, and he’d always enjoyed Deran’s touches before. 

He didn’t see that changing any time soon which was going to suck because Adrian had already decided he needed to make some changes. Starting with Deran.

“You have to understand, I was desperate. I had to find out what was going on with you. You disappeared for a whole week, Adrian! I was losing my damned mind. Linc had some answers and I made him tell me. Listen, you can’t tell anyone or he’ll lose his job.” Deran paused to draw breath and. Just. No.

The tears miraculously dried up. It seemed the numbness had worn off and now he was stuck with cold anger. 

Tugging his hand from Deran’s loose hold, Adrian pulled the pillow he’d been curling around into his arms. He needed some sort of armor to hold back this man. 

Adrian had given everything he had to Deran in the last six months—his love, his patience, his understanding.

No more.

“It’s good to know where your priorities lie. I’m sure you and Linc will be very happy together.” Adrian wanted to look away but the shock on Deran’s face was priceless.

“That’s not what I meant…you don’t understand…please listen to me…” Deran’s babbling was unlike any Adrian could remember. It was close to that time Adrian had done a trick on the skateboard at Deran’s urging that had gone awry and he’d busted his arm in three places. Close but this was even worse. Although looking back Adrian wondered if Deran had lost it because he was afraid he was going to get in trouble and not out of worry for his injured friend.

Was Adrian going to second guess every response Deran had ever made?

The nurse—not Linc, thank fuck—entered the room. “Your friend will have to step outside. We’re going to run some more tests. He can come back in when we’re done.”

Adrian took a deep breath. “Oh, no, he was just leaving. In fact, could you show him the exit? I think he got turned around last time.” He looked at Deran’s slack jaw. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

Lie. 

Not if Adrian could help it.

-0-

Deran had royally fucked up. In his defense…he didn’t actually have a good defense.

Adrian was obviously in distress because he rarely cried and today it had been pretty much continual. He looked wrecked. He sounded wrecked.

It had been hard for Deran not to just fold Adrian into his arms like he had last night but Linc had warned him that might be a trigger.

Linc had warned him about a lot of stuff.

Deran wished he’d never asked Linc for information.

He wished he’d kept his own damned mouth shut because that’s who was at fault.

Fuck his life.

His cell phone rang and he listlessly checked it. He knew it wouldn’t be Adrian, not after he’d practically told him not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out and to stay away.

It was Linc.

“Hey.”

“What did you say to Adrian about me?” Linc, who until the last few days Deran would say was an even-keeled kind of guy, sounded freaked out again.

Deran sighed. “Simmer down. I told him I made you tell me stuff about, you know, his assault because I was worried about him but don’t worry, I told him he couldn’t tell anyone or you’d lose your job.”

“Are you serious? You didn’t really say that to him, did you?” Deran pictured Linc clutching a hand to his heart, no, wait, clutching pearls, he sounded so appalled. Deran ended up biting his lip to keep from laughing at the picture in his head. 

He was still sleep deprived and stressed and that one-two punch always made him slap-happy.

“Deran!” Linc barked at him. Had he really thought the guy was mellow? He might be when it came to flirting but man, the guy was turning out to be uptight.

“Yeah, those weren’t the words but pretty much the meaning. Why, did you get in trouble?” It hadn’t really occurred to Deran that Adrian would say anything to anyone about Linc. That’s not the way Adrian rolled.

Although Deran never would’ve guessed his friend would have barred Deran from visiting which he’d found out when he’d gone back to his room later in the day. One of the pretty nurses had intercepted him and told him Adrian was resting and wasn’t receiving visitors; she’d looked really sketchy when she passed on the message.

Deran snorted; Adrian wasn’t receiving visitors as if Deran had just stopped by for some tea or something. 

Fuck.

“No, man. I was told Adrian requested I be restricted from his records because I was now dating his ex which he considers a conflict of interest. Don’t worry, he didn’t name names or even indicate the sex of his ex.” Deran had the urge to giggle at Linc’s rhyme—sex of his ex—but not giggling was pretty easy to do when he thought about what Adrian had said about his priorities.

Did Adrian really think Deran put Linc first? 

He tried to list in his head all of the times Adrian had been his priority and well, he sucked. Adrian had jumped to that conclusion for a reason and now Deran had lost the urge to laugh.

Possibly ever.

“I’m sorry, Linc. I never should’ve put you in that position.” _I’m sorry, Linc, I was losing my shit because the love of my life had been kidnapped and sexually assaulted and I didn’t even know he was gone until Craig had called me._

Linc huffed a laugh. “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but I think it’d be best if you don’t call me for a while.”

Was there a wrong way to take that? “Okay, message received. See you around.”

The same words Adrian had said to him.

How the hell was he going to fix things with Adrian?

-0-

Adrian felt bad for crashing at his sister’s but he had nowhere else to go. He’d thought he’d had friends he could count on in Oceanside but that had been a lie.

What was pretty funny, ironic funny, about the whole thing was that a near stranger and a complete stranger had offered him a place to stay. He declined both offers.

Clark ‘Linc’ Lincoln had come to his hospital room as he was getting ready to leave. He’d apologized rather eloquently about his lack of professionalism when it came to confidentiality and offered Adrian a place to say until he could get his feet under him again. He’d made a point of letting Adrian know that he and Deran had parted ways. 

Adrian had thanked him for his offer but there was no way he was going to bunk down with his ex’s ex. He life was already weird enough, he didn’t need to complicate it more. He’d known Linc was a good guy and although he wanted to hate him, he just couldn’t.

The other offer had come from Kathleen Clarkson, the blond detective who had worked his missing persons case. She was a bit of a smart-ass and Adrian had an appreciation for her sense of humor but he didn’t know anything about her except she liked to laugh. They had exchanged phone numbers and Adrian had promised her if he made it back to Oceanside he’d get in touch.

Now here he was, sitting on Jess’s couch, his nephew, Bobby, in his arms. Jess’s husband, Bob Sr., or as Adrian now jokingly referred to him as Numero Uno Bob, was traveling out of state for his job so Adrian was actually able to make himself useful.

It was a good thing he didn’t like to sleep because Bobby didn’t like to either, at least not at night. 

“Do you need anything before I get some shut eye?” Jess asked as she leaned against the stairway railing.

“We’re good. Thanks, Sis. See you in the morning.” Adrian spoke softly but he didn’t really have to worry about it. Once Bobby fell asleep he was usually out for a good two hours and even a vacuum cleaner next to his crib didn’t wake him up. 

The shine from a passing car’s headlights flashed over the dim living room. “I’ll make sure we’re locked up. Remember,” Jess paused to yawn.

Adrian finished her thought for her. “There are bottles in the refrigerator and freshly pumped milk will be in the cooler upstairs. Got it.”

Jess passed by the couch, pressing a kiss to Bobby’s head and then brushing another across Adrian’s cheek. “I’m really happy you’re staying here, Ade. You’re a good kid.”

He smiled fondly at his sister. “You’re dead on your feet. Do you need me to tuck you in?”

She lifted her middle finger in response and then went into the hallway leading to the front door. Jess always stuck to her night time ritual—she opened the door to make sure no one was lurking, locked the door, tested the locked door, and then engaged the security system. 

It actually was a bit of peace of mind to know no one was getting in without making a racket even if Adrian never slept at night.

Adrian heard the door—there was a pause as his sister made sure the coast was clear—then the lock, the rattling of the doorknob and finally the beep of the security system. He thought Jess was whispering but that didn’t mean anything; she was sleep deprived despite Adrian’s help and oftentimes muttered her to-do list beneath her breath.

“Look who I found on the porch? I said he could stay the night. Call if you need me. G’night.” Jess stomped up the stairs before Adrian fully registered who was standing before him.

Deran. Hands in his pockets, head down, possibly blushing although it was hard to see with the low lighting.

Adrian was going to kill Jess. Not now because he had a baby in his arms. Tomorrow.

“Can I sit down?” Deran kept his voice soft.

“I guess.” He almost tacked on _do what you want to do, you will anyway_ but that was a low blow. Deran had changed since the whole Dave episode but Adrian was low on trust at the moment. Especially when it came to his heart. “What are you doing here?”

Deran sat in the chair across from Adrian, the coffee table between them. He rubbed the back of his neck which told Adrian just how nervous he was. He even licked his lips, which damn, now Adrian wanted to lick Deran’s lips.

He knew it was a bad idea but his body had been conditioned to respond to Deran through years of hanging out and crushing on him.

Ugh.

“I wanted to see how you were doing. I didn’t think you’d answer if I called so I took a chance you wouldn’t throw me out if I showed up.” Deran looked up and made eye contact. 

Adrian had missed seeing his pretty blue eyes. 

“I guess you’re in luck. My arms are full so I can’t throw you out.” Adrian arched his eyebrows but he didn’t smile. He was still busy trying to figure out what Deran wanted. Why he was here.

Biting his lip, Deran ducked his head shyly and Adrian almost groaned. It was torture looking at this man. Adrian wanted him so fucking much.

“You two make quite a picture.” Deran smiled as he gestured toward the couch.

“Bobby’s definitely improved in looks since he was born, I can tell you that much. His diapers will just about singe the hair off your eyebrows though.” Adrian looked down fondly at his nephew. The kid’s cheeks were round and rosy, and he almost looked angelic as he slept blissfully unaware of the turmoil his uncle was experiencing.

“He’s adorable. Looks just like you.”

Adrian almost did a spit take at the compliment. The only time Deran had verbally complimented him was during sex but Adrian hadn’t let that get to him because Deran’s body language had always conveyed his appreciation.

At least it had until Linc came around. Although maybe that had just been Adrian’s low self- esteem getting in the way. Life hadn’t quite turned out the way he’d thought it would but then again, life rarely did. What was the cheesy saying? Life wasn’t a destination but a journey?

“You’re frowning.” Deran’s voice was closer than it had been and he looked up to find the man perched on the coffee table right in front of him. “I kind of want to rub the frown away. Can I touch you?”

“Deran, what are you doing?” Adrian’s tone reflected his exasperation. Here he was trying to move on with his life and Deran was putting the moves on him.

Deran raised his hand slowly and moved it toward Adrian’s face at a snail’s pace; he was giving Adrian the chance to tell him no but Adrian felt mesmerized. Deran’s thumb swiped back and forth over the space between Adrian’s eyes before he cupped Adrian’s cheek. “I am so, so sorry, Adrian. I should’ve cherished you. Instead I took advantage of you.”

Adrian closed his eyes, tilting his face into Deran’s touch more fully, nuzzling. This felt right.

“Will you come home?” Deran whispered the question.

“I don’t have a home anymore.” Adrian had thought he was done with crying but nope, his eyes flooded with tears.

Deran swiped a tear from his cheek and Adrian looked up at him. Tears leaked slowly from Deran’s eyes, too. Maybe it was catching.

The touch on his face shifted and Adrian’s face was cradled in both of Deran’s hands. “I want to be your home.”

Bobby choose that moment to complain, loudly, about his life. 

“Kid’s got a pair on lungs on him, that’s for sure.” Deran pulled back as Adrian shifted Bobby carefully in his arms. 

Adrian jiggled him and rocked him but something, probably the excess energy in the room, had disturbed him and there was no going back. He stood up, intent on preparing a bottle, when Jess swept down the staircase, hair in lopsided ponytail, holding her arms out. 

“Does my baby boy want to sleep with Momma tonight?” She cooed. 

Bobby’s cries turned to sniffles.

Adrian could’ve cheerfully facepalmed. He’d been using Bobby to keep Deran at bay. Now he was losing his baby barrier.

“Adrian, you look exhausted. Why don’t you try sleeping tonight?” With that motherly piece of advice, Jess marched back upstairs.

Deran stood before him. “You don’t sleep at night?”

He shrugged. “I’ve been letting Jess sleep as much as she can during the night although she still has to get up to pump milk. I catch naps during the day. It’s been fine.” A hank of hair drooped over an eye and he brushed impatiently at it. So much for fine if even his hair made a mockery out of him.

Deran closed his calloused hand around the hand Adrian had used to push his hair back. “I like your hair like this.”

This was turning into one of Adrian’s stranger evenings. Deran Cody, emotionally repressed, had called him adorable, asked him to come home and was now complimenting his hair. “Is this Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Part Two?”

“Adrian, this isn’t a movie and I’m not joking. I’ve missed you. I want to spend time with you. Will you let me?” Deran opened his arms, enfolded Adrian into them, and pulled him against his chest.

It was too much for Adrian who leaned into Deran’s strength, letting him take some of his weight. Most of his weight? He was so fucking tired.

Deran was saying, and doing, all of the right things but could Adrian trust him?

-0-

Getting Adrian into his arms had been Deran’s main goal when he’d arrived. He’d gotten his wish but he was deeply worried as Adrian practically collapsed leaving Deran to hold him up. 

He steered Adrian to the couch which was just steps away. Adrian showed no signs of picking his head up from Deran’s shoulder or supporting his own weight so Deran did what he thought was right and hoped Adrian would forgive him if he was wrong: He swept Adrian into his arms, cradled against his chest, and then sat down so Adrian was across his lap.

“Is this okay? What do you need?” Deran ran his hands over Adrian’s hair, down his spine, over his arm…anywhere he could easily reach.

The hiccupping little breaths didn’t stop but Adrian didn’t protest Deran’s attentions. What had Jess said? Adrian needed to sleep. “Hey, is there somewhere we can stretch out?”

Adrian reacted, straightening in his arms, crinkling his freckled nose at Deran. “We are not having sex in my sister’s house.”

Deran didn’t know what his face looked like, horrified maybe, but it made Adrian bubble with a laughing sob. He smoothed some silky strands away from Adrian’s face. “No, we’re not. I just want to lay down with you, hold you if you want, see if you can get some decent sleep.”

He wasn’t going to tell Adrian right now but the thought of having sex with him gave him a sort of queasy feeling. It wasn’t that he was grossed out by what had happened to Adrian but that Deran was afraid he would somehow hurt Adrian.

Make him cry.

Those were two things Deran never wanted to do again.

“There’s a futon in Numero Uno Bob’s mancave we can use. It’s the room behind us.” Adrian pushed himself to his feet.

Deran kept his hand on Adrian’s back, making sure he was steady, before he stood up. He took Adrian’s hand in his own and led him to the door. The room wasn’t very big but Deran liked the hardwood floor, comfy looking futon and big screen TV plastered on the wall. It was very mancave like. 

Adrian grabbed the handles on the front of the seat frame and pulled on the frame. The futon flattened out without a problem. He gave a little chuckle, sounding less shaky. “A futon that actually works as designed. Who knew?”

His laugh was loud in the small room but he couldn’t help but remember fondly the futon Adrian had used as a bed for a while. It had been a man-eater, opening and closing seemingly at will, usually at the least opportune times.

Deran had loved that fucking futon.

Adrian retrieved some bedding from a seat against the wall, efficiently smoothing it over the surface. “Only one pillow.”

Holding out his hand, inviting Adrian closer, Deran smiled. “You can use me as your pillow.”

The other man turned away for a moment, sniffing and rubbing a hand across his face, and Deran knew he was fighting back tears. He didn’t begrudge Adrian this but it was just weird seeing his usually composed friend on the verge of losing it.

They shed some of their clothing but by tacit agreement they kept on their underwear and t-shirts. Deran sighed with contentment when Adrian curled into his side, letting Deran cradle his neck, playing with his hair. 

Deran didn’t know if this was temporary or if Adrian would agree to come back to Oceanside with him. He didn’t want to break the silent truce and ask right now.

Maybe the trick was staying in the moment, enjoying what he had, and fully appreciating it. Knowing himself Deran figured he’d screw things up but Adrian was too important to him not to try.

He would handle whatever happened tomorrow.


	2. The Scars Will Remain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part where things got a little plottier than I initially saw coming. Hopefully I did it justice.
> 
> Please heed the tags and let me know if I need to add more.

_I'll keep you alive_   
_If you show me the way_   
_Forever, and ever_   
_The scars will remain_

\- _Give Me A Sign_ by Breaking Benjamin

 

“I need to talk to the vendor for a minute. I’ll be at the bar if you need me.” Deran brushed his hand across Adrian’s low back as he left the stock room.

Adrian didn’t think his friend was aware of how often he touched him. He was pretty sure it was just Deran confirming Adrian was safe although it messed with Adrian’s head. 

All of this touching and yet Deran refused to touch him in a sexual way. 

They hadn’t talked about it but Adrian wondered if they were back to being strictly friends. Adrian tried not to dwell on it because he couldn’t complain about having Deran as a friend. He definitely needed those.

His cell phone notified him of an incoming text. Adrian grimaced; it was Professor Gerber. Ever since Adrian had been granted a leave from UCSD the guy had stepped things up, reaching out to him multiple times. Maybe it was because of his field—psychology—but it seemed strange seeing as Adrian was just one of hundreds of his students. It had seemed weird before he’d been kidnapped and it seemed even weirder now.

Shrugging his shoulders to loosen them, Adrian forgot about school and moved some boxes around. His psych professor’s weirdness didn’t deserve another thought but the bar did. Since he wasn’t ready to return to classes yet and he was too restless to sit around Deran’s apartment he’d been helping out at The Drop. He mainly stayed in the back, running cases and kegs out as needed or prepping lime wedges, but that was about all he could handle right now.

Kathleen Clarkson, the detective who had worked his case, told him it was normal to feel disconnected after a traumatic event. She volunteered at a crisis center and he believed what she said. That didn’t stop him from feeling useless.

Concentrating on the task at hand, Adrian found the box with the Jack Daniels No. 7 Black Label Whiskey. He knew they were running low at the bar and would need more before the night was out. 

Someone walked into the supply room and Adrian looked over his shoulder. He had the impression of a tall body coming up behind him…

_Something pressed over his nose and mouth and he was too busy trying to catch his breath._

_Kicking his feet out, Adrian tried to escape this guy’s hold. He threw elbows and bucked but he was dizzy and the little energy he’d had was fading._

_This was proof, and not the good kind, that he wasn’t paranoid. Someone had been watching him. But why?_

_His vision grayed at the edges and his legs collapsed out from under him._

_He had a moment to think of Deran—his friend would turn the world upside down to find him—and then gray turned black._

“Adrian, shit. Can you hear me?”

“I didn’t mean to startle him. Shit! Adrian, dude, I’m sorry.”

“Should I call 911?”

There were too many voices and Adrian didn’t know what was happening. He was curled up on his side, chest heaving with labored breaths.

A warm hand rubbed over his spine with just the right amount of pressure which helped him focus on breathing. The spots dancing in his vision started to recede.

The floor was hard beneath his cheek and hip and he groaned as he shifted.

“Adrian?” Deran’s voice was quiet. 

“Mmm.” That didn’t come out right but Adrian couldn’t do anything about it.

“Hey, I’m going to help you sit up, okay? On the count of three. One, two, three.”

Adrian’s world view shifted as he was lifted until his torso was upright, his back leaning against the wall.

Another hard surface that hurt.

“Can you open your eyes for me?” Deran wasn’t usually patient. This was getting weird.

It took some effort but Adrian finally lifted his eyelids.

Deran was on his haunches, a foot in front of Adrian, frowning.

Adrian frowned back.

What was going on?

-0-

Deran had been talking to a new vendor about maybe expanding his menu items when Craig had started screaming for him.

The salesman had jumped to his feet and Deran brushed past him as he ran into the storeroom.

The sight that greeted him broke his heart.

Adrian was curled up on the floor on his side, hyperventilating, eyes heavy lidded. With each exhalation he emitted a whine that was as sad as it was concerning.

Deran sidled up but didn’t get too close. “Adrian, shit. Can you hear me?”

Craig was tugging on his hair, his face anguished, but he was across the room. “I didn’t mean to startle him. Shit! Adrian, dude, I’m sorry.”

“Should I call 911?” Jamie the sales guy had followed Deran into the supply room.

First things first. Adrian needed his full attention. 

Deran made eye contact with Jamie. “Is it okay if we reschedule? My friend is going to be okay but he needs some quiet.”

At least Deran hoped that’s what Adrian needed. Up until now Deran hadn’t noticed any of the behaviors Linc had mentioned could potentially happen after the assault except for nightmares.

“Yeah, absolutely. I’ll call you later.” The guy tried to look at Adrian but Deran blocked his view with his body. He’d like to think it was out of concern but people could be freaky.

Like the people who’d kidnapped Adrian.

Once the exit door banged shut, Deran turned his attention to Craig. “What happened exactly?”

“I just wanted to say hi to A. I walked up behind him and he just sort of froze. Then he hit the ground and started doing this. I didn’t mean to do it. Hell, I don’t even know what I did!” Craig kept his distance, running his hand through his hair, looking completely freaked out.

Not that Deran could blame him. He was pretty freaked out himself.

Deran would talk to Craig later, make sure he knew this wasn’t really his fault, but right now he needed to help Adrian.

“Hey, tell me if you want me to stop but I’m going to rub your back, okay?” Deran was pretty sure Adrian was having a panic attack but he didn’t know jack-shit about what to do to help him. Adrian liked having his back rubbed so hopefully this would help.

Adrian shifted, moaning. 

“Adrian?” Deran kept his voice soft. He didn’t want to spook his friend. 

Adrian hummed a little in response. His breathing was slowing down but he looked like he was in pain. It had been a few weeks since the van he’d been had rolled over and he still had some bruising. 

Maybe getting off of the floor would be a good place to start. “Hey, I’m going to help you sit up, okay? On the count of three. One, two, three.”

Adrian’s complexion was almost gray and his eyelashes fluttered as Deran pulled him up and leaned him against the wall.

Deran was beginning to think about calling 911 after all. “Hey, can you open your eyes for me?” 

Adrian blinked his eyes open. It was wonderful to see the ocean blue shade he was so fond of but Adrian seemed dazed.

Crouching back, giving Adrian space, Deran frowned.

Adrian’s lips turned downward. He tilted his head, staring at Deran. “Why are you frowning at me? Are you mad at me?”

Deran, surprised by the question, fell back on his ass. “No, I’m not mad at you. You, uh, passed out. I’m worried about you.”

“I did?” Adrian’s freckled nose crinkled up. He folded his legs and leaned one forearm on his kneecaps while he pulled his other hand through his messy, too long hair.

It was such an Adrian mannerism that Deran smiled. He didn’t like that Adrian was acting so spacy but he seemed to be coming around. “Yeah, you did. Scared the shit out of Craig.”

“Oh. Sorry, Craig.” Adrian looked around and spotted Craig behind Deran’s shoulder, nodding at him.

“Don’t sweat it, A. I’m just glad you’re okay.” Craig’s voice sounded shaky and Deran looked over his shoulder at him; his brother was almost as pale as Adrian but his eyes were clearer. Perhaps a first for him.

Adrian sighed. “My hip hurts. Can I get up?”

“Sure. How about me and Craig give you a hand?” Deran wasn’t convinced Adrian could handle standing but he understood sitting on the floor wasn’t comfortable.

Right now making Adrian as comfortable as possible was Deran’s priority.

Shrugging, Adrian lifted his arms. “Sure, a lift up would be nice.”

He was still a little spacy but he was stringing his words together without speaking too slowly or pausing. 

Both Craig and Deran moved slowly, each leaning over and taking a hand, tugging Adrian upright. Adrian staggered but found his footing. 

Deran curled an arm around his waist and put Adrian’s arm around his neck, hanging on to it. “Let’s go have a seat in the bar.”

Adrian shuffled along, passively letting Deran guide him.

Deran wasn’t pleased about it but this little episode proved he was right; Adrian had some shit—Linc called them triggers—to work through before Deran would think about touching him sexually.

He knew Adrian hadn’t been happy and Deran sure as shit wasn’t happy but sometimes ignoring the issues, hoping they would go away, wasn’t going to work. Deran should know; he’d made that a common practice in his life and he was just now starting to dig out from beneath all of the crap.

Adrian was too important to Deran to allow that to happen.

-0-

Adrian left the doctor’s office shaking his head.

The doctor had given him some sample medication.

For his panic attacks.

He now had a prescription for a benzo assuming the samples worked for him.

Deran jumped to his feet as he approached. “Everything okay?”

Adrian knew his friend had wanted to be in the exam room with him but he’d needed a break from Deran’s hovering. It wasn’t that Adrian didn’t appreciate his friend’s position—Adrian would be freaked out if he witnessed Deran having a panic attack—but dogging his every step was driving him slowly insane.

Although maybe he was already insane if he was suffering from debilitating panic attacks all because a tall guy walked up behind him.

“Adrian?” Deran prompted. He looked like he wanted to march back and find the doctor so he could grill him for answers.

“I’ll tell you all about it but can we get out of here please?” Adrian found his voice but it cracked on the last word.

Deran put a hand on his back and guided him through the waiting room, down the hallway and finally into the bright sunlight. Both men remained silent once they were in the van. Deran kept shooting him sideways looks and Adrian’s limbs twitched with nervous energy.

The ride to Deran’s apartment went by quickly and once they entered the front door, Deran headed straight for the beer in the fridge. Adrian waved off the offer to join him.

“Can I get you anything?” Deran was being so patient, and sweet, but Adrian missed his bull-in-a-china-shop friend who said whatever he thought to him.

Adrian collapsed onto the couch, trying to get his limbs to relax. “Why don’t you come on in here? I’ll tell you what the doctor said.”

“Thank fuck.” Deran said it quietly but it made Adrian smile a little. That was more like his friend.

Deran sat in the chair across from Adrian and crossed his arms. To someone else it might’ve seemed as though Deran was being defensive, or trying to intimidate him, but Adrian thought Deran was bracing himself.

Adrian cut to the chase. “You were right. That was a panic attack. The doctor said I’d probably have more so he gave me some Xanax.”

“That’s it? The doctor gave you benzos and that’s going to cure you?” Deran leaned forward, arms leaning on his thighs, beer bottle held loosely in his hand.

“Cure me? No. Help me ride the attacks out—yes.” Adrian tamped down on the urge to pat his shirt pocket where he’d tucked away the samples.

Deran hadn’t taken a sip of his beer since he’d sat down. It was like the bottle was a prop for him; something to hold and wave around. “So, what’s the plan?” 

Adrian tipped his head back and rested it against the top of the couch. Seeing Deran’s visible tension was causing Adrian some uneasiness but so far it was manageable. 

He knew Deran wasn’t going to like what he had to say next so he just spit it out. “If I want to see a therapist he’ll give me a referral.”

“What do you mean _if_ you want to see a therapist? Jesus, Adrian. You need to see someone!” Deran climbed to his feet and began pacing.

Rubbing his forehead, Adrian tried to explain his position. “I’ve seen a therapist before. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy isn’t right for me. I need to do a little research, figure out what’s going to work.”

Deran stopped his pacing, planting his feet in front of Adrian. He cupped Adrian’s chin in his hand and tilted his head upward. “I know you’re taking psych classes but maybe you should listen to the doctor on this.” 

His psych professor had talked about the difference between depression and anxiety in his Psych 101 class and Adrian had dutifully taken notes on it but he didn’t have context for it. Professor Gerber said where depression zapped people of energy and motivation, anxiety put someone on almost constant alert, leading to a sensation described as tired and wired

Adrian had now achieved tired and wired. Fantastic.

He leaned back, away from Deran’s touch. “Is it okay if I lay down for a while? I don’t want to cancel on Kathleen.”

Deran pulled a face. “Yeah, sure. I’ll drop you off on my way in to the bar.”

He appreciated the restraint Deran was showing. He knew Deran didn’t trust the detective, didn’t want her in his living space, but he hadn’t hassled Adrian about wanting to talk to her.

Adrian rose to his feet and tried to smile but he knew it fell flat by the way Deran frowned. “Sorry I ruined your morning.” He tried to squeeze Deran’s shoulder but his friend side stepped him.

Maybe Adrian had it wrong; maybe Deran was the one who’d been traumatized. 

If Deran replied Adrian missed it as he went to the guest room and closed the door. His heart galloped in his chest. He pulled a sample packet out of his pocket.

No time like the present to try the Xanax.

-0-

After Deran dropped Adrian off at Cagney’s, whoops, Clarkson’s place he met Craig at the bar.

Craig was still relatively clear eyed which surprised Deran; he would’ve put money on Craig snorting whatever he could get his hands, or nose, on.

“You deserve a drink after that.” Deran put ice in a tumbler, poured out some bourbon, and added a splash of water. “Here.”

Craig took a large swallow and made a face and then smiled wryly. “That was some scary shit. Is Adrian okay?”

“Yeah, sure. I think you’re taking it harder than he is.” Deran made his own bourbon, grimacing at the first swallow.

Looking around, Craig crinkled his nose. “Where is he? I kinda wanted to spend some time with him.”

Sometimes Deran forgot that Adrian was Craig’s friend, too. It had been Deran-and-Adrian for so long but once they were older it had also been Deran-Adrian-and-Craig as they bonded over surfing.

Deran took another sip of his bourbon. That time it went down smooth. “He’s spending time with that detective. Clarkson.”

Craig set his tumbler down on the bar with a loud click. “Is he out of his fucking mind? Why’s he hanging with the fuzz?”

“Chill, Craig. She’s been really decent to him, helped him out with some of his issues.” A part of Deran agreed with Craig but he would never tell Adrian who he could or couldn’t hang out with, not after the whole Dave episode. 

Dubious was a good word for Craig’s expression.

Deran’s phone rang; Adrian was calling.

“Hey, what’s up?” It had barely been an hour but maybe Clarkson had pissed off Adrian and he’d come to his senses.

“Deran? This is Kathleen Clarkson.” 

_Shit._

“What’s wrong? Where’s Adrian?” Deran was barely keeping himself from hyperventilating. There had to be a good reason why she was calling him from Adrian’s phone.

“I gave him some bad news and he had a panic attack. He took some Xanax and he’s kind out of it. I told him I’d let you know. He’s welcome to stay here with me if you can’t leave work.” She didn’t sound nearly as bitchy as she had when she’d been interviewing him when Adrian had gone missing.

Deran took a deep breath. “I’ll come get him.” He disconnected without thanking her. It hadn’t even been on purpose—he was busy freaking out.

“Adrian’s play date didn’t go so well? Let’s go bring him home.” Craig drained his glass and stood up. Deran’s appreciation for his brother grew.

He was all thumbs as he texted Heather and asked if she could come in early and open. Fortunately, she texted right back that she could. He tucked his phone away and headed for the door. “Yeah. I want to find out what the hell set him off this time.”

They took the van and Craig didn’t even whine about leaving the Scout behind. Clarkson lived frustratingly close to the bar and they pulled up to her apartment complex in under fifteen minutes.

Deran hit Clarkson’s intercom and she buzzed the door open without verifying who wanted to be let in. Some other time he would totally give her shit for the lack of security measures but right now his instincts were telling him to get to Adrian right the fuck now.

She was on the third floor and as they came out of the stairwell, an apartment door opened and she stepped out. 

He jetted right past her and into her apartment. He didn’t know the layout and after one wrong turn he found the living room. Adrian was sprawled on the couch, beneath a blanket, eyes closed and face pale. 

Clarkson and Craig followed behind him but Deran ignored them, his weight resting on a knee next to the couch, as he tried to rouse his friend. “Adrian, you okay?”

Which was really stupid because he obviously wasn’t okay; apparently, Adrian wasn’t in a position to judge him because he kept his eyes closed and Deran didn’t get any kind of response. 

His hand was shaking as he cupped Adrian’s cheek. His friend’s cheekbones were more pronounced and his jawline sharper…when had Adrian lost weight? Deran supposed it didn’t matter at the moment; why wasn’t Adrian waking up?

Clarkson cleared her throat. “Has he taken Xanax before?”

He kept his attention on Adrian while he answered. “He just got some samples today. Why?”

“Did you know rape victims are thirteen times more likely than non-crime victims to attempt suicide? Overdose is a primary method of suicide. I’m pretty sure taking one dose of Xanax wouldn’t flatten an adult male like this.”

The words hung out there as Deran tried to grasp the possibility that Adrian would ever take his own life. Adrian was the most disgustingly upbeat person Deran had ever met.

He’d come back to this later, after he’d wrapped his head around it. “So, what the hell did you say to him? He was fine when I dropped him off!”

“Adrian said I could tell you but I’m sorry, who are you?” The blond tucked some hair behind her ear and stared at his brother.

Craig crossed his arms. Of course, he’d pick now to be defensive.

“My brother. Now will you please tell me what the hell is going on?” Deran wouldn’t hesitate to pick Adrian up and carry him out of there if he didn’t get some answers right the fuck now.

“Yeah, okay. I wanted Adrian to know a recording of his time spent with his abductors had been released. He, uh, took it as well as could be expected.” Clarkson sounded upset.

Deran couldn’t blame her. His hand moved from Adrian’s cheek to his soft hair. His fingers needed the contact and the repetitive motion calmed him. 

Adrian had been adamant that he didn’t remember what had happened—never wanted to know—so proof floating around would be devastating to him.

Craig’s voice broke the quiet. “Wait, those scumbugs recorded him? Do you think they’re going to come after him again?” 

Clarkson sighed. “That’s the fear. My superiors are trying to figure out how to ensure his safety. In the mean time I wanted him to know what was going on, give him some options.”

There was more going on here than Deran’s brain could process. “Can I take him home?”

“Of course. He’s not a prisoner.” For some reason Deran’s brain added the word _yet_ to Clarkson’s explanation. “I would suggest someone stays with him at all times though.”

Adrian shifted on the couch, tensing his limbs in a slight stretch. His eyelids lifted and he made eye contact. “Deran.” 

He was gutted by Adrian’s tone; sad was such a bland word. Despondent probably fit better.

Clarkson and Craig were talking but it was just background noise to Deran.

Adrian clutched Deran’s hands with his own; was his grip weak? Was that normal? Deran wanted to get him away from prying eyes so he could take care of him. “I know. We’ll figure it out. You want to come home now?”

“I guess,” he whispered. His apathy just about broke Deran.

But this wasn’t about Deran. 

He rose to his feet. “Do you think you can stand up?”

Adrian slowly nodded.

Clarkson hustled forward, pulling the blanket off of Adrian. His friend tried to smile his thanks at her but it was a cracked, sickly facsimile of Adrian’s usual grin. Even the dimples in his right cheek were hiding.

It was a slow process but Adrian finally got his feet on the ground and staggered to his feet. Craig stood at the ready but he didn’t crowd Adrian. He’d learned his lesson at the bar.

Adrian stepped away from Deran and he almost clutched him close; he relaxed as his friend approached Clarkson.

The detective let Adrian raise his arms and curl them around her, hugging her lightly. “Thank you.” His voice broke but Deran couldn’t see his face.

He could see Clarkson’s. Had he really thought she was a cold bitch? Her eyes were teary and her skin blotchy as she bit her lip. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

With a final squeeze, Adrian stepped back and nodded. 

Deran swooped in, offering his arm, and Adrian leaned into him.

How the fuck was he supposed to help Adrian when he was at a loss himself?

Once again, the ride was silent; even Craig kept his mouth shut. Deran dropped him off at the bar so he could pick up his own car.

Craig folded his arms on the open window and leaned over, making eye contact with Deran. “I’ll talk to you later, bro.” He gentled his voice. “Catch ya later, A. Take care.” With two slaps on the roof he stepped back.

Adrian was more awake, able to walk without help, but Deran kept close once they arrived at his apartment. His friend headed for the guest room. “I’m gonna lay down for a while.”

“Why don’t we both lay down? I could use a nap.” Deran waited to see if Adrian would accept his offer.

With a shrug Adrian changed course. He stripped out of his jeans and shirts, folding them over a chair in the corner, before he pulled back the covers and slid between them.

Deran was used to Adrian making small talk, not that he rambled non-stop or anything, so the lack of conversation was noticeable.

And concerning.

Shedding his own clothing, Deran climbed into bed. He wanted to wrap his arms around Adrian and spoon him but he didn’t know if it was allowed. “Can I hold you?”

For a moment Deran thought Adrian was going to ignore him but then he scooted backward, moving closer. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Deran gently pulled Adrian back against him, nestling his ass against his crotch and wrapping his arms around his chest, and Adrian passively allowed it.

Little by little the tension dropped from Adrian’s body and soon Deran heard his even respirations. 

He hadn’t been kidding—Deran was tired, too—and knowing Adrian was asleep seemed to be the sign his body was waiting for and he soon joined him.

-0-

Adrian couldn’t get free. He wrestled against whatever was holding him down but despite bucking and rolling, he was caught. 

He inhaled deeply; Deran. He and Deran were finally having sex and being held down was a total turn on.

Adrian had definitely missed this. Foreplay with Deran had always been rough and tumble but then again, that’s usually how Adrian liked his sex.

His cock took an interest as he rubbed himself against Deran’s muscles.

It took a while to realize Deran wasn’t reciprocating and his boner immediately wilted.

“If we use a condom, you should be safe.” That was the only explanation Adrian could come up for why the usually sex-crazed Deran wouldn’t touch him.

“I’m not worried about that.”

_No, I just don’t want to touch you._. The words were unspoken but they made in appearance in Adrian’s mind all the same.

Adrian rolled off of the bed, grabbing his clothing.

“Adrian, wait. Please.” Deran sounded horrible.

He paused at the door, turning to get a look at Deran.

Deran was sitting up in bed, his face creased in deep furrows; a frown was not nearly a severe enough description of what his face was doing.

More noticeable to Adrian was the lack of interest in his boxer briefs. 

Adrian bit back a moan and shot out the door. Intentional or not it was beginning to feel like Deran didn’t find him attractive anymore. He knew it wasn’t his fault he’d been assaulted but maybe Deran couldn’t stomach the thought it had happened. He didn’t understand it though since he’d had other sexual partners before and Deran was well aware of that fact. Was it the lack of consent thing that had Deran in a tizzy? It’s not like Adrian was thrilled himself about that aspect but there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it now except take the prescribed medications and hope his tests came back clean.

He locked himself in the bathroom, starting the water in the shower. He obviously needed a cold shower although from what he knew about anxiety meds, he’d soon lose his interest in sex.

He’d been deluding himself. At least when he was awake he could trick himself into thinking a friendship was going to work but his subconscious knew it was a lie.

Scrubbing off, Adrian finished his shower as quickly as possible. Once he dried off he fished his phone out of pants pocket and texted Kathleen. 

_Can I crash at your place for a while?_

It seemed horribly presumptuous to ask that of his new friend but Kathleen had made the offer a few times since they’d met. 

_As long as you need. Need a ride?_

God, yes. Now that the decision had been made Adrian needed to get away.

_Please. Text me when you get here and I’ll come down?_

Without pause, Kathleen answered: _See you in 15._

Adrian gathered some of his bathroom crap into a bag stashed beneath the sink.

Deran tried to talk to him through the door but gave up when Adrian didn’t respond. Once he moved away, Adrian left the bathroom and locked himself in the guest bedroom to get his duffle bag. He hadn’t unpacked—he was used to living out of a bag when he was on the road—and for once his laziness paid off. He just tucked his toothbrush and other stuff into the bag and he was ready to go.

He knew he wasn’t being fair to Deran by giving him the silent treatment but he didn’t have it in him to argue or hear Deran’s version of the truth right now.

His cell phone pinged. _Downstairs._

Adrian emerged from the guest bedroom with his duffle slung over his shoulder.

Deran was dressed, arms folded, but his eyes were pink. So, Adrian wasn’t the only one struggling with this. He wanted to say _good, they should both be miserable_ but it actually made him feel like shit.

His friend’s face fell when he saw the duffle bag. “Adrian, please—”

“I’m sorry, Deran. I’ll call you later.” Adrian took a wide berth around his friend and headed for the door.

“Wait, where are you going?” Deran wasn’t going to try to talk him out of this and the realization stung badly. 

Unable to reply without starting to sob, Adrian put his head down and fled.

At least he knew where his relationship stood with Deran. Or didn’t stand.

The stairwell was his ticket to freedom and Adrian bolted down as fast as his stumbling feet could handle. He hit the exit door at a jog and burst out of the building at the same speed.

Kathleen was leaning against her silver Camry, sunglasses perched on her nose. “You look like shit.”

A strangled laugh burst from Adrian’s mouth. He needed to be around someone who wasn’t going to treat him with kid gloves. “Thanks, I needed that.”

Pushing away from the car, she opened the door for him. Adrian slid in without a fuss, stowing the bag at his feet. She closed his door and walked around the car, getting in the driver’s side. She was pulling away from the curb when someone burst out of the building.

Deran.

Kathleen lifted her hand in greeting but that didn’t stop her from accelerating into traffic. “Still want to come with me? It’s not too late to change your mind.”

It took a few seconds to do a gut check. “No, I haven’t changed my mind. Thanks for letting me stay with you.”

He looked in the rearview mirror; Deran stood on the curb, arms limp at his side, frown firmly in place.

“Let’s get some food. I’m starving. What sounds good to you?” Kathleen was tall for a woman but she was extremely fit. One of the first things Adrian had realized about her was that she was either eating or thinking about what to eat next.

His initial reaction was to decline but he realized his stomach was cramping. “Pancakes. I could really go for some pancakes.”

“You’re in luck. Breakfast is my favorite meal. I know this diner not far from here that has amazing blueberry pancakes. Should I get some food to go or do you want to eat at the diner?” Kathleen always gave him options. He didn’t know if that was how she treated all of the victims she encountered or if that was just a Kathleen thing.

He realized being curious about her, getting out of his own head, was an improvement. “Let’s eat in. Diners always have the best coffee.”

She reached over and slapped his thigh. “No lie.”

She also didn’t shy away from touching him.

Adrian must be touch starved if a woman’s attention was filling a void. It was just friends on his part though and thankfully she wasn’t giving off weird vibes so he was confident she felt the same.

The diner was empty and they settled in a back booth, sipping coffee and waiting for their food.

“You want to talk about it?” Kathleen raised her eyebrows.

“What’s there to say? He doesn’t want me that way and it’s hard to be around him knowing it.” Adrian’s eyes flooded and he blinked away tears as he stared into his coffee mug.

“I can’t believe I’m sticking up at all for that guy but I can tell you he cares. He’s probably got issues to work through having to do with what happened to you but those are his issues, not yours.” She reached over the table and gave his forearm a squeeze. “Give it a little time and don’t jump to conclusions?”

Adrian tried to figure out her angle. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

She crinkled her nose and he realized she had freckles. Lots of freckles. Just like he did. “You remind me a little of my brother.”

That made Adrian feel awkward. “So, I’m, what, like a replacement for him?”

Kathleen burst into laughter. “Oh fuck no. He was a sweet kid. He couldn’t handle adversity and he committed suicide. You, on the other hand, are strong. You run with fucking Codys for God’s sake. How did that even happen?”

Adrian wondered if she was pumping him for information. He cautiously answered. “I grew up with Deran. Used to surf with him and Craig.”

Kathleen put her hands up. “Okay, okay. I’m trying not to judge but Codys? I think I need to introduce you to some nice boys in blue, see if you like that side of the law for a change of pace.”

Smiling, Adrian shook his head. “I think it’s going to be a while before I’m ready for anything.”

He’d tried to get Deran out of his system before and it had failed. Spectacularly.

Kathleen sat up straight and licked her lips. “Here come the pancakes!”

She was a strange one. He really couldn’t handle anything heavy at the moment so it was a welcome distraction.

-0-

Deran didn’t know how to fix what had happened with Adrian. Hell, he didn’t even know what _the what_ was to fix.

He knew he loved Adrian—was in love with him—but maybe they weren’t meant to be together.

Adrian’s expression when he’d rolled out of bed was hard to describe. Wounded? Betrayed? 

When he’d brushed by Derek as he left the apartment he was biting his lip, shoulders hunched, eyes downcast…broken.

Deran had done that. 

Keeping his hands off of Adrian while he coped with this situation had seemed like the best way to not hurt him more but damned if that hadn’t blown up in his face.

He might as well head to the bar because sitting around the apartment, thinking about what went wrong, wasn’t productive.

Someone knocked on his door and Deran rushed to it, certain Adrian had returned. He knew staying with Cagney was a bad move. His lips curved into a smile as he opened the door…

It was Craig.

His face fell.

“Nice face. Expecting someone else?” Craig pushed into the apartment.

“Hoping it was someone else. What are you doing here?” Deran followed him into the living room and sunk down on the couch next to him.

Craig looked around, frowning. “I thought maybe you, me and Adrian could get a bite to eat. He’s gotta be tired of looking at that sour puss you call a face by now.”

Deran rubbed his palms into his eyes. Somehow Craig was able to sniff out his weaknesses without seemingly trying.

“Oh, shit. You already fucked it up?” Craig smacked him on the chest.

Deran punched back, landing a blow to Craig’s upper arm. “Your faith in me is inspiring.”

“Dude, what did you do? That guy is crazy about you. I thought when you brought him back you’d talked, you know, figured some shit out.” His brother looked at him with concern. 

He shrugged, looking away. “I guess we should’ve talked some more. I was afraid I was going to fuck him up after the whole assault thing if I touched him.”

“Wait, are you telling me you two haven’t been going at it like bunnies this whole time? Oh, shit. I keep telling you to use your words, bro. Don’t you see what you’ve done?” Craig was not the brightest when it came to certain things but he was surprisingly on target with his observations about relationships. The fact he was making such a big deal out of this made Deran’s stomach churn.

He held his tongue and sure as shit Craig laid it on him: “He probably thinks you don’t want him because other people raped him.”

Deran bent over at his waist, his arms folded over his stomach. He had royally fucked up. He’d never told Adrian he was giving him time to heal. Usually Adrian pushed to make the big conversations happen when he couldn’t stand it anymore and Deran had assumed he’d demand an explanation if he wanted to know.

Adrian’s head was fucked up, too. He was busy trying to deal with what happened so he probably wasn’t acting like himself.

Bile clawed its way up his throat and Deran jumped to his feet, running to the bathroom. It didn’t take long to purge his stomach because he didn’t have much in it. Toast for breakfast was supposed to keep him going until lunch out with Adrian but then Adrian had that panic attack. He hadn’t had time between running Adrian around to the doctor, and then the whole thing with the detective who gave Adrian shitty news which they’d never even talked about. The nap had ended disastrously with Adrian leaving with that blond bitch and that had taken care of any appetite Deran might have had.

“You are a mess, baby bro. Clean up and then we’ll get something to eat, hopefully before the next clusterfuck happens.” A huffy Craig was pretty entertaining and Deran decided to go with the flow. 

Craig dragged him out to a steak house and he’d thought he wouldn’t eat much but once he started eating, he tucked right in. It was good to give his stomach something to chew on other than its own lining.

Someone’s cell phone dinged and Craig checked his messages. He smiled slyly. “You’re in luck. Adrian is going to be surfing tomorrow morning. We’ll stop by and see how he’s doing, maybe you’ll open your mouth and actually talk about your scary feelings.”

The dark cloud over Deran’s head lifted. Maybe he could salvage this. He hated talking about feelings and shit but the alternative—no Adrian—wasn’t what he wanted.

“To be clear, you’re not known for sharing your feelings so why are you giving me shit about this?” Deran cracked a smile for the first time that evening.

“I’ve told you before, you need to learn from my mistakes, bro.” He texted someone back, smiling.

“Who are you texting exactly?” Deran narrowed his eyes, realizing he already knew the answer. “And when did you get her number?”

Craig blushed with chagrin. “When we picked Adrian up earlier. Kathleen thought it would be good if she could get in touch with you but she knew you wouldn’t give her your number.”

Deran pursed his lips, unimpressed.

“Hey, she’s hot! And I can always delete it.” He hovered his thumb over what could’ve be a contact as if contemplating its removal.

“No. Don’t.” Deran blushed when Craig arched an eyebrow at him.

“Busted, bro. Now she said they’d be at the north jetty early. What time do you want me to pick you up?”

Deran’s mind wandered. He needed to figure out what to say to Adrian, assuming the guy would give him a chance.

-0-

Adrian was stretched out on his stomach, suit pulled down to his waist, enjoying the warmth on his back.

Kathleen sporadically spoke but he’d stopped listening a while ago.

“Are you listening to me, asshole? Remember to put the seat down on the toilet or we’re going to have words.” 

Adrian grunted in reply. He didn’t want to be rude but he was tired from the time they’d spent in the water. He just wanted to doze in the sunshine like a cat.

“Hey, A, how are you?”

He’d known it was possible he’d run into people he knew, like Craig, but with Kathleen as a buffer it hadn’t seemed like a problem. Adrian murmured a greeting but didn’t pick his head up.

Cold water hit his back between his shoulder blades. He shivered but he didn’t sit up, growling, “What the hell is your problem?”

“I want to go back in the water with Craig but not unless you’re awake and aware of your surroundings.” Kathleen nudged his ribs with her foot.

_What a pain in the ass._

“You know you said that out loud, right?” Craig giggled. Since when did Craig giggle? Unless he was high. Jesus, Adrian hoped Craig wasn’t high with Kathleen to witness it.

Someone cleared their throat. “I’ll stay here, keep an eye on things.”

Adrian was wide awake now; Deran was here.

Craig and Kathleen headed to the water, teasing each other.

He grudgingly rolled over and sat up. Deran stood over him and Adrian noticed the way his sight traveled over Adrian’s collarbones and down his chest. He folded his arms over his middle self-consciously; he’d lost some muscle mass since even before the whole assault thing and things hadn’t gotten better so he was now under-weight.

Kathleen had called it heroin chic. Adrian had called Kathleen a bitch. Sadly, it only made her cackle.

Deran handed him Kathleen’s towel and he draped it around his shoulders, happy to have the layer of protection from prying eyes.

Footfalls approached and Adrian screened his eyes from the bright sunlight.

Linc. 

That was just bitchin.

“Hi Adrian, I thought I recognized you. How are you doing?” Adrian was a bad person. Linc was a genuinely nice guy and Adrian wanted to punch his lights out.

“Hey.” That was the best he could muster.

A text pinged loudly and for once Adrian was happy for the distraction. He pulled his phone out of his backpack. 

He must’ve made a face because Deran was trying to lean in, get a look at his phone. “Who is it?”

Adrian didn’t see any harm in answering. “My psych professor. He’s kind of turning into a stalker, keeps texting me.”

“You go to UCSD, right? Who’s the professor?” Linc stood next to Deran. They made a really handsome couple. 

Maybe he could ignore them and they would go away.

“Adrian, who is the professor?” Adrian rolled his eyes; Deran now sounded exasperated.

“Professor Gerber.”

“I had Gerber. He’s very well respected in his field. Do you really think he’s stalking you?” Linc’s arms were folded. 

Adrian searched for the best way to answer but he didn’t need to bother as Deran answered for him. “Of course not, Adrian’s just prone to hyperbole sometimes.”

He winced; this was a private joke between them that had started during English class in high school. Adrian appreciated Deran’s attempt to lighten things up but Linc wasn’t in on the joke so he probably thought Adrian was a drama queen.

Linc’s confusion was apparent but Deran did the unthinkable—he started to explain the inside joke to the other man. “Sorry, Adrian and I used to one-up each other with literary terms in school…”

Adrian tuned him out. For some reason this hit him like a personal slight and he couldn’t handle it, especially not from these two.

Fuck them both.

Adrian stood up, hauling his backpack with him.

Deran and Linc both looked startled. Deran reached for his arm but he side-stepped him. He ignored the hurt look on his face. Since he was prone to hyperbole maybe the hurt look was in his imagination.

“Where are you going?” Deran was nothing if not persistent which was a bit surprising since he had Linc to flirt with at the moment.

“I need to get out of the sun. See you around.” Adrian didn’t even try to sound genuine. 

Deran groaned. “Adrian, wait—” 

“Let him go. Can’t you see he doesn’t want to be around us?” How very perceptive of Mr. Lincoln. 

Adrian kept his head down but he searched the people he passed, looking for some sort of threat. It was exhausting and he realized he just wanted to sleep. Kathleen had given him a key to her place and he decided to go there. 

Thumbing a text, he told her he’d meet her back at her apartment. Adrian knew she’d be pissed he’d gone off on her own but that’s what she got for setting him up like that.

He was regretting leaving his sister’s. Although come to think of it, she’d set him up to by inviting Deran over.

No wonder he didn’t trust anyone.

-0-

“Listen Deran, I think you need to think about getting Adrian some professional help. I know Professor Gerber and it’s hard to imagine he’d stalk Adrian. Paranoia is a symptom of many conditions and with the right help, Adrian will recover.” Linc was a nice guy and it was actually sweet he was trying to look out for Adrian, especially considering their history, but for some reason his words made Deran defensive.

If Adrian was paranoid he had good reason to be. Although according to Clarkson, with video footage of him floating around, he should be on guard.

Craig and Cagney—Clarkson—jogged up. 

His brother groaned. “Linc, what are you doing here?”

“Wait, your Linc? So much for damage control. Unfuckingbelievable.” The snort was very unladylike. She turned to Craig, ignoring Deran completely. “I’m going to see if I can catch up with him.”

Deran was at a loss. It wasn’t like he’d invited Linc to the beach.

Glaring at Deran and Linc, the woman gathered up her stuff. She checked her phone and cursed. “The idiot went home. By himself. Does he not realize the level of threat?”

“I’ll take care of the surfboards.” Craig volunteered although knowing his brother, he just wanted in her panties.

She waved a thanks to Craig and then jogged off.

Linc looked first at Deran and then at Craig. “What level of threat?”

“That’s Adrian’s business.” Craig replied.

Linc looked at Deran, expecting some sort of explanation. Deran still felt guilty for the way things had gone down because he actually liked Linc. 

He just wasn’t Adrian.

The least he could do was answer his question. Deran cleared his throat. “There’s some sort of recording from when he was taken and Clarkson’s worried someone will try to take Adrian again.”

The other man audibly gulped. “That’s really shitty. I didn’t know.”

“I’m pretty sure Adrian wouldn’t appreciate that you know now so let’s keep that little piece of news quiet.” Craig used to be Linc’s biggest fan but this whole situation with Adrian had made his brother protective. 

“Absolutely. Listen, I’m going to take off. See you guys later.” Linc turned around and rejoined two guys getting ready to paddle out. 

Deran forgot about him as soon as he turned back to Craig. “Why are you being so shitty to Linc?”

Craig looked at him funny. “Your priorities are screwed up, bro.”

He’d had enough abuse for one morning. “This was a waste of time. Let’s call it a day.”

His brother didn’t argue. He shoved a board at Deran and clutched the other two beneath his arm.

Deran juggled the board. He needed to regroup and figure out a new approach. One that wasn’t in public. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew Adrian didn’t like Linc, hell, had reason not to like Linc, so the timing of the guy’s visit really sucked.

He followed Craig across the sand, shaking his head.

-0-

Adrian jumped into the air when a shadow emerged from the doorway alcove as he approached Kathleen’s apartment. “Jesus.” He muttered, hand over his heart, willing it to slow.

It was Kathleen’s partner, Joy Rodriguez. Her name was false advertising as far as he was concerned—joy was not something she displayed, at least in his presence, in fact it was quite the opposite.

“Good, I was hoping to talk to you alone.”

Yeah, that wasn’t creepy. 

Adrian opened the door with the key Kathleen had given him. “What do you need?”

“Why are you here?” The woman crossed her arms over her bust. She was wearing a suit which made him think she was working.

If she was working, shouldn’t Kathleen be working too?

“Um, Kathleen offered me a place to stay?”

“Do you even care that she’s ruining her career for you? She’s been suspended for sharing confidential information with you. What kind of hold do you have over her?” Rodriguez was stepping right up into his space.

Moving around her, Adrian headed for the kitchen. He needed some separation.

Reeling from the news, he cleared his throat. “She didn’t tell me she’d been suspended. And we’re just friends. Why would she do that?”

She stared into his face, her shoulders relaxing at last. “You really didn’t know.”

“No, and I wouldn’t jeopardize her career on purpose. Not after all of the support she’s given me.” Adrian rubbed his face.

Rodriguez put her hands on her hips. “Did she tell you about her brother?”

“Just that he’d committed suicide and that I reminded her of him a little.” Both of those facts freaked him out more than a bit.

“He was in a situation similar to yours so I get why she’s drawn to you.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “She’s gone overboard though. It’s like she’s obsessed with you. I think you should find somewhere else to stay.”

That felt like a warning. His sister’s house was looking more and more attractive by the minute. 

“Yeah, good idea.” He was talking to an empty room. He heard the click of the door as Rodriguez let herself out.

It’s a good thing Adrian hadn’t unpacked. He stripped out of his wetsuit and took a quick rinse in the shower. Once he was dressed in jeans and his usual layers, he hitched his bag on his shoulder and left the sanctuary of the bedroom he’d stayed in for one night.

“Why did you run off?” Kathleen leaned against the wall, arms crossed casually. 

“The company was a little upsetting.” Adrian crossed his own arms, mirroring her pose.

Kathleen smirked. “I met him. He’s quite the specimen.” The smirk disappeared and she looked serious. “You need to be more careful, Adrian. I can’t protect you if you run off on your own.”

“I didn’t know your job was to protect me?” Rodriguez’s warning reared its ugly head. This woman was just a little too invested in him.

What if she’d had something to do with his kidnapping? What if she was biding her time to make him disappear again?

But why would she? 

_It’s like she’s obsessed with you._

Maybe Adrian had gotten it wrong; Gerber wasn’t his stalker, Kathleen Clarkson was.

A sharp rap on the door startled Adrian. “Now who is it?”

“What do you mean? Was someone else here?” Kathleen seemed wary.

“Your partner was here to greet me. Why didn’t you tell me you were suspended?” Adrian wanted to see what kind of explanation she had. Although maybe they should be having this conversation in public.

More knocking on the door. It was polite but firm which told Adrian it wasn’t one of the Codys.

Kathleen’s mouth pulled into a straight line and her blue eyes were cold. “I guess I’d better get that.”

Adrian clutched his bag closer to his body.

Kathleen returned with a middle-aged man in tow; Professor Gerber.

“You didn’t tell me you were expecting a visit from your professor.” Kathleen’s expression was blank.

“I, uh, wasn’t?” Adrian looked from Kathleen to Gerber. “Why are you here?”

“Let’s sit down and talk like civilized people, shall we?” Gerber situated himself on the loveseat without an invitation.

“I’ll brew a pot of coffee.” Kathleen excused herself and Adrian found himself alone with the man giving off creepy vibes.

He looked completely ordinary. Immaculate hair and clothing, man-scaped eyebrows and blandly handsome. Why did Adrian feel so threatened?

“Are you going to join me?” Gerber gestured to the couch across from him.

Adrian set his bag down although he kept it close. Just as soon as this impromptu freaky meeting was over he was leaving.

Kathleen entered the room with a tray, balancing coffee mugs and a coffee pot. She set the tray down on the coffee table. “Cream or sugar, Professor?”

“Both, please.” 

She hadn’t included either because they both took their coffee black. “I’ll be right back.”

Gerber reached over and poured coffee into all three mugs. “Oh, dear. I seem to have made a mess. Are there are any napkins or towels available?”

Who said _oh, dear_ unless they were an octogenarian?

Rising to his feet, Adrian excused himself. “I’ll get some towels for you.”

“Thank you, Adrian.” He used to think it was a good thing his professor knew his name but now it seemed odd. He was one of a hundred students in a lecture hall. The TA interacted with the students in smaller groups, not Gerber.

Adrian grabbed some paper towels while Kathleen held a delicate looking sugar and creamer set, one in each hand. She frowned at him. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know what he wants with me. Why is he here? How did he even know I was here? I feel like he’s stalking me or something.” He expected her to shoot him down. Like Linc and Deran.

“Let’s see what he wants. I’m going to pull fingerprints from his mug so don’t touch it.”

Adrian was getting whiplash. One minute he was worried about Kathleen’s intentions and the next it felt like she was the only one on his side.

They reentered the living room together. “Thank you, Adrian.” He took the towels and mopped up the mess he’d made on the tray, ignoring Kathleen.

She shrugged, setting down the sugar and creamer. She picked up a mug, inhaling the aroma, before settling on the couch next to him. “So why are you seeking Adrian out? That seems unusual for a man in your position.”

Adrian picked up his own mug and focused on its contents. It was extra bitter but he was fine with the taste. He needed the caffeine and he’d take bitter over sweet any day. 

He snorted quietly to himself; he realized that applied to more than just his coffee.

In mid swallow, Adrian practically choked when Gerber answered Kathleen. “Adrian, you’re one of my most promising students. What happened to you is just dreadful and I needed to see for myself you were unharmed. I also wanted to offer my services to aid in your recovery.” The offer seemed sincere but Adrian didn’t understand why the professor thought it was appropriate. The man directed his attention to Kathleen. “I’m sorry, I caught your name but not your relationship to Adrian?”

Kathleen took a gulp of her coffee. Her hand shook when she set it down which wasn’t normal. Not that Adrian had known her long. Maybe caffeine made her shaky. “I’m a close friend.”

Did she slur?

Something was wrong.

Adrian tried to stand up but his legs folded, dropping him back to the couch. 

“Fucking…rookie…mistake…” Kathleen sounded drunk.

“Yes, it really was a rookie mistake on your part. I’m conducting specialized research and I need Adrian’s participation. I went through a lot of trouble to secure his presence the first time but I still have need of him. His responses to my survey assured his place in my current project. I’m very sorry you were caught in the crossfire, my dear.” What the actual fuck? Was Gerber behind the sex trafficking ring?

The other man kept droning; it was getting harder to follow along. “I was quite surprised to get a call from one of my former students. He was quite a stand-out you know. I think you’ve met. Clark Lincoln? He was concerned for your wellbeing, attempted to warn me off from contacting you further. Don’t worry, I explained my concern away. No one will ever connect me to your disappearance.”

Adrian’s limbs were numb. He’d practically mainlined the coffee, partially to have something to do with his hands and partially because he was a java junkie. 

Someone bent over him. Gerber. “I’m so very happy I caught up with you here. If my reacquisition of you had failed I had planned on taking your friend, the barkeep. Or your sister and nephew. Jess and Bobby? That would be a long-range research initiative but I certainly have the resources to dedicate to the project. Who knows, I might decide to pursue it anyway.”

It became difficult to breathe but Adrian didn’t know if it was the drugs in his system or a panic attack. There was no way he was going to let this sick fuck touch any of his loved ones.

There was a commotion on the couch next to him and Adrian rolled his head to the side to see what was happening. 

_Flash-Crack!_

Moisture sprayed his skin. 

His limbs refused to move. Tears of frustration leaked from his eyes.

Adrian sank into darkness.

-0-

Deran felt unsettled after this morning. He’d already asked Heather to open again because he didn’t think he could focus worth a shit.

His cell phone rang and the caller ID just about stopped his heart: Oceanside Police Department.

He’d barely said hello when the female identified herself. “Deran, this is Detective Rodriguez.” It took a moment to place the name—the brunette cop, the one he called Lacey. 

She paused and Deran heard a noise…was she crying? Before he could ask what the hell was going on, she continued. “Meet me at Tri-City ER.”

The phone disconnected. What the fuck? He dialed Adrian’s number but he didn’t pick up. 

It was possible Adrian was sleeping. Or ignoring him. Deran hit redial. 

Nothing.

Adrenaline surged through his system and he used it to focus. The drive was a blur and he didn’t remember what section of the parking lot he’d pulled into but all of that fell away as he entered the waiting room and saw Lacey.

Her eye makeup was smeared and she brushed impatiently at her wet cheeks. Why was she crying? She wouldn’t cry over Adrian so why was he here?

She made eye contact and hustled over to him. “Your friend Adrian is being treated. They’re pumping his stomach.”

“Jesus, did he OD?” Deran remembered when Clarkson had mentioned the suicide rate of rape victims.

The look she gave his was odd. “We don’t think the overdose was self-inflicted or accidental. It appears to be the product of a malicious act.”

Deran’s legs were shaky. “I don’t understand.” He looked around. “Uh, where’s Cagney?” At her blank look he rephrased. “I mean Kathleen?”

“She didn’t make it.”

For someone who had pretty much butted her nose into his and Adrian’s relationship, it didn’t make sense that she couldn’t make time for a lousy trip to the ER. 

Lacey sniffed.

Oh. Shit. _She didn’t make it_ was a euphemism for dead.

“What the fuck happened?”

“I don’t know. Adrian hopefully has the answers but he’s out of it right now. It looks like Kathleen shot some professor and then she died from the drug cocktail.”

Deran’s fingers tingled and he became lightheaded. “What professor?”

“Something Gerber. Some bigshot out of—”

“UCSD. Fuck.”

She clutched his arm. “You know him?”

Deran waited for the wave of dizziness to pass although he still felt sick to his stomach. “He taught one of Adrian’s classes. Adrian said he felt like Gerber was stalking him.”

Lacey squeezed his arm even tighter but Deran didn’t say anything. Maybe if he’d taken Adrian’s concerns seriously this wouldn’t have happened. But Linc said…

He’d known Linc for all of six months and had known Adrian for more than half his fucking life. 

She dropped her hold on him and turned on her heel. “Come on, I’ll take you back.”

Someone buzzed them through a locked door and Deran stopped when Lacey did—outside the same cubicle as before.

A nurse came out from behind the curtains and gave Lacey an update. “He tolerated the gastric lavage as well as can be expected and we’re administering IV fluids now. He’s conscious but he’s not in any condition to make a statement yet. I’m sorry.”

“Can I see him?” Deran planned to enter the cubicle whether he got permission or not.

The nurse looked at Lacey who nodded her head.

“We’re going to admit him shortly but you can stay with him until then. I’ll be back to check on him soon.” Her scrubs swished as she moved to the next cubicle.

Adrian was lying on his side, curled around a pillow, motionless.

Deran dropped into the same plastic chair that had almost thrown his back out of whack last time. “Adrian. I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say as he stared at Adrian’s slack face.

Adrian’s eyes opened and the blue was startling against the bloodshot background. Wait, were those blood splatters on Adrian’s face?

Tremors shook Adrian’s body and Deran didn’t know if it was from the drugs or the stomach pumping. 

Flyaway hair drooped over Adrian’s face and his only response was to blink.

Deran cautiously reached out and tucked the strands behind Adrian’s ear. 

Copious tears began to flow from Adrian’s eyes. 

“Oh, babe.” Deran stood up and perched on the side of Adrian’s bed. He was waiting for a sign that his attentions were welcome but Adrian just kept crying.

It was like moving a doll as Deran helped roll him on his back and then sat him up, hugging him to his chest.

Last time Adrian had clung to Deran’s neck but this time…

Fuck, this time, Adrian remained pliant in his arms.

Deran supported Adrian’s weight against his chest and rubbed his hand up and down his spine; the contact soothed his nerves and he only hoped it would do the same for Adrian.

Little by little he could feel the life coming back into Adrian’s body. He’d like to say it was a good thing but it soon became awkward as Adrian’s muscles tensed and he finally drew away.

He wanted to take Adrian’s hand or push his hair out of his face but Deran kept his hands to himself. “What do you need from me, Adrian?”

“Kathleen?” Adrian’s voice was so raspy and soft Deran almost didn’t hear him. Maybe that’s what having your stomach pumped did but Jesus, it was hard to hear.

Deran opened his mouth but he couldn’t find the words. Instead he just shook his head.

Adrian folded his arms over his stomach and bent over. Deran worried that he was going to vomit, or have a panic attack, but he just rocked back and forth with his eyes squeezed shut.

“Excuse me, we’re going to move you to a room on the fifth floor. Your friends can follow us up there.” The nurse from earlier began hustling around the bed, turning off the vital signs monitor and unlocking the brakes.

Deran moved out into the hallway to give her room to work. 

He and the detective followed along as the petite nurse expertly guided the bed through the hallway and into an elevator. The directory in the elevator was a little vague but one of the units on the fifth floor was behavioral health. 

The group was quiet as they exited the elevator. The nurse buzzed them into a locked unit—Telemetry, which at least wasn’t a psych unit as far as he could tell—and then guided the bed into a room. The detective paced outside of the room, biding her time.

When the nurse stepped into the hallway she made eye contact with the detective. “He wants to talk to you.”

In Deran’s experience talking to the police didn’t help matters. He felt like Adrian should have an attorney present but then again, he wasn’t a suspect.

Deran slipped in behind the detective and planted himself against the wall. He told himself it was because he didn’t want Adrian having to repeat his story but Deran couldn’t bear to have him out of his sight right now.

-0-

Adrian needed information but he knew he would have to give some in order for Rodriguez to share what she knew.

If Gerber was still alive Adrian would make sure that was just a temporary status.

“This isn’t an official interview, Adrian. I just,” she paused and took a deep breath, “need to know what happened.”

Adrian cleared his throat but it felt like drainage and other crap was still in there. He sounded all croaky and it hurt to talk but it didn’t matter. 

Only finding out about Gerber mattered.

He took a sip of water sitting on the tray table over his bed before starting. “After you left Kathleen,” this time Adrian was the one to pause; he pushed away thoughts of the funny blond who had opened her home to him. “She came home. Before we could talk someone knocked on her door. It was my psych professor from UCSD. He said he was there to see how I was doing but after…well, he admitted a former student had contacted him. This guy told him I felt like he was stalking me and I guess who I was staying with and that’s how he found me at Kathleen’s.”

Deran flinched and Adrian ignored him. His precious Linc had really fucked him over but Adrian couldn’t let that distract him. Linc wasn’t his problem—that was actually on Deran—but Gerber was.

“She made a pot of coffee, he wanted sugar and creamer and then spilled coffee in the living room…we didn’t even suspect there was anything wrong with the coffee.” He made eye contact with Joy. “She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

She straightened her spine and Adrian realized she wasn’t going to break in front of him if she could help him.

Hell, she probably blamed him.

Adrian certainly did.

“Gerber started talking. Admitted he’d had me kidnapped as some part of a research project. He was standing over me, threatening me, and that’s when I heard a loud crack—did she shoot him?”

For the first time since Adrian had known her, Joy smiled. “Yeah, she did. I told her hiding a gun in the cushions was a good way to lose a body part accidentally but she didn’t listen to me.”

Score one for Kathleen.

Jody kept talking. “We’ve arrested who we think were his accomplices. Really just hired muscle who don’t seem to know much. They were waiting downstairs.” 

That didn’t answer Adrian’s main question. 

“Is he…dead?”

“He’s in surgery.”

If she said anything else, Adrian missed it. There was a buzzing in his ears. The pressure in his head made his vision blur.

Someone left and someone sat on the bed. He supposed that meant Deran was still there.

“Adrian?”

He made himself look at Deran. His friend’s face was drawn, dark shadows beneath his eyes. He might be sleep deprived and mentally exhausted but he was alive.

He was alive and Kathleen was dead. If Adrian had been staying with Deran it could’ve easily gone the other way.

Guilt churned in his stomach. Even though he was no longer in a relationship with Deran he still loved him. There would’ve been no coming back from Deran’s death.

Hell, Pope would’ve killed him for getting his little brother dead.

_Pope._

Pope would know what to do. Adrian didn’t expect Deran’s brother to take out Gerber but he could tell Adrian the best way to do it.

“I need to see Pope.”

Deran’s mouth hung open. He snapped it close. “What?”

“I. Need. To. See. Pope. Here. Right away. Please?” Adrian willed Deran to do what he asked.

Just this once, without an argument.

Deran stood up. 

Adrian’s hopes crested.

“I think you’re in shock. I’m going to get the nurse.”

Adrian just…lost it.

He flipped the tray table over and lunged out of the bed. Something sharp pulled on his arm but he didn’t give a shit.

Deran scrambled out the door.

“Don’t fucking come back unless you have Pope with you! Do you hear me?”

People poured into his room. The rage fueled tantrum left him as suddenly as it had arrived.

Someone pushed him into the bed and there was a sharp jab on his upper arm.

The bleak whiteness of the room faded.

-0-

Deran stopped in the bathroom to puke.

He’d seen Adrian lose his temper before but never like this. Adrian was a screamer and occasionally a thrower but he wasn’t a puncher but sure as shit, he’d gone after Deran with intent.

The shaking took a while to pass and Deran splashed water on his face. Adrian’s last words to him reverberated in his head: _Don’t fucking come back unless you have Pope with you! Do you hear me?_

Deran didn’t think that was shock talking; it had sounded like pure, unadulterated anger. 

Why would Adrian want to see Pope? 

He blotted his face on the hem of his shirt. Deran knew it wasn’t about what he’d needed but fuck, he’d really wanted to wrap Adrian into his arms and cuddle him.

Adrian was the best cuddler. He got all warm and dopey and just holding him, or being held by him, calmed Deran down.

This Adrian didn’t want to be touched. He wanted to beat the fuck out of someone, possibly Deran, and that made his chest hurt.

They’d doped Adrian up and told Deran he could visit tomorrow. He didn’t want to leave but Adrian didn’t want him here.

_Don’t fucking come back unless you have Pope with you! Do you hear me?_

What the actual fuck?

Deran took the elevator to the first floor and as he stepped off he heard a chorus in stereo—from Craig on one side and Linc on the other: “How’s Adrian?”

He wanted to ask how Craig knew Adrian was here but that could wait. He rounded on Linc. “So, you called the good professor? Gave him a heads up that Adrian had concerns about him? Maybe mentioned where to find him?”

“I knew Professor Gerber would back off if he knew his actions were feeding Adrian’s paranoia.” The sad thing was, Linc believed it. He’d thought he’d done the right thing.

By doing the so-called right thing he’d almost gotten Adrian taken. Or killed. “Or you know, he would track down Adrian since he was the fucker who had him kidnapped in the first place!” Deran’s voice had escalated and several people in the vicinity were staring.

Deran had forgotten Craig was there. “What?”

He swung around and looked at his brother. “Gerber drugged them both. Kathleen is dead but she managed to shoot him somehow but the motherfucker is still alive.”

Linc gasped but Deran ignored him, grabbing Craig’s arm. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Craig followed him outside. “Um, shouldn’t we be with Adrian?”

Embarrassment heated Deran’s face. “He, uh, kicked me out.”

“What the fuck?” Craig grabbed Deran’s arm and made his hold still. 

“He told me to not bother coming back unless I brought Pope to see him.”

_Don’t fucking come back unless you have Pope with you! Do you hear me?_

Craig’s face did a complicated twist, deep in thought. “Okay. Pope should be home later. I’ll talk to him.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s Adrian, man. After what he’s been through I say he should have whatever makes him feel better.”

Craig’s words…actually made some sense.

Pope might think he was crazy but Deran thought he would probably do it. 

-0-

Adrian still couldn’t believe Pope had actually visited him and more importantly, vowed to take care of the problem.

He’d told Deran’s brother what Gerber had threatened; Pope had raised an eyebrow and told Adrian he’d take care of it.

He’d never been able to read Pope but maybe the fact that Gerber was possibly targeting Deran had swayed him. Adrian hadn’t wanted Pope to do anything—he’d wanted to be the one—but the other man had patted him on the foot and told him not to worry.

Adrian had thought he’d feel relief but he was strung so tightly he was on the verge of losing his composure. Again.

Someone knocked on his door.

Deran.

“Um, Pope said he visited. Does that mean I can come in?”

Adrian wanted to bury his face in his hands in embarrassment because he’d thrown what amounted to a temper tantrum but he’d gotten his way for the greater good so he guessed it had been worth it.

He’d do whatever it took to protect his loved ones.

Adrian raised the head of the bed so he was sitting up. It was bad enough he was in the standard patient gown but he didn’t have to face Deran lying flat on his back.

He was pretty sure those days were over.

“Yeah, sure.”

Deran stayed against the wall, hands in his pocket, looking uncomfortable. “So, you gonna tell me what you wanted to see Pope about?”

“Why don’t you ask Pope?” Adrian wasn’t about to tell anyone else what they’d discussed. At this point that was on Pope.

“I did. He told me to fuck off.” Deran’s lips twitched like they wanted to smile but then he frowned. Deran cleared his throat. “Are you feeling better?”

“No one’s drugged my coffee or tried to kidnap me today so yeah, I’m doing much better.” Adrian actually laughed after he said that, realizing it was the truth. What a fucked-up life. And it had nothing to do with associating with Codys; this was all on him.

Making eye contact for the first time, Deran straightened from his slouch. “Are they letting you out anytime soon?”

“Assuming I pass my psych eval they’ll let me out tomorrow. I’m going to stay with Jess and help her take care of Bobby for a while.” Adrian was actually conflicted about the plan. He wanted to be there to protect his sister and nephew but what if Pope couldn’t take care of Gerber and someone followed Adrian? Followed through on the creep’s threat and tried to hurt his family?

Deran’s face fell. “Oh, okay.”

Adrian waited for Deran to spit out whatever else was on his mind. The seconds dragged on and Adrian found himself composing a list of all of the shit he needed to do before he headed to Jess and Bob’s. 

“Do you think you’ll come back to Oceanside?” Deran interrupted Adrian’s inner monologue. 

He shrugged. “It doesn’t feel like I have anything to come back to but the shrink said I shouldn’t make any life altering decisions for a while.”

“How can you say that?” Deran pushed off from the wall and approached the bed. “ _I_ want you to come back. I need you here with me.”

So much for not making life changing decisions. Apparently what Deran wanted superseded everything.

Then again, they might as well clear the air. “I guess I’m a little confused about that. You need me here, what, as your friend? I can be your friend from anywhere in the world. You certainly don’t want to be my lover anymore. So, what is it you think you need from me?”

Deran’s face turned red. “I want you, Adrian. I just was giving you time to heal. I should’ve told you that was what I was doing but I was trying to give you space so you could get better.”

Adrian remembered the scene in Deran’s bedroom; Deran’s body had definitely not been interested in what Adrian had to offer. “It’s bad enough you lie to me but are you lying to yourself now, too? When we were at your place your body had zero reaction to me grinding up against it. You don’t want me. And you know what? That’s okay. The last thing I’m ever going to do is force myself on someone, not after what happened to me. Go be with whoever you want. You don’t have to be tied to me just because I was raped.”

His friend flinched and the red receded from his face leaving him a sickly pale. “That’s not why.”

“You know what, Deran? I don’t give a shit. That’s your problem, not mine. You were so gung ho about me seeing a therapist so why don’t you give it a shot? Maybe they can help you untangle whatever’s going on with you.” Adrian knew in a day or two he would feel sad about this conversation but right now, he just wanted to get out of the hospital and go to his sister’s.

Not all that long ago Adrian couldn’t envision a life without Deran in it. Now he thought maybe he and Deran were finally over. 

“Are you saying we’re over?” Deran seemed to be coming to the same conclusion.

“I’ll always be your friend. I wanted more than you could give me and since I’ve been back I realized I can’t settle for less. It hurts too much.” Tears slipped down his face; Adrian was so fucking sick of crying. “But I can be your friend if I live in El Centro.” 

“But I do want more!” There was a time Adrian would’ve been fucking ecstatic to hear Deran say that.

“No, man, actions speak louder than words and you really, really don’t.” Adrian grabbed a Kleenex from his tray table and mopped up the mess of moisture on his face.

“I’ll prove it to you.” Deran gently pushed Adrian’s hand aside, sodden Kleenex and all, and planted a kiss on Adrian’s lips. 

-0-

Deran probably shouldn’t have done that but it had felt good to kiss Adrian. He pulled back. “Just give me one more chance. Please.” Deran’s voice croaked out the last word. It would’ve been embarrassing if Deran didn’t have so much on the line.

Adrian was quiet for so long that Deran thought he wasn’t going to say anything, that silence was his answer. “What is it you think you want from me?” He kept his head down, hiding behind his shaggy bangs, his volume whisper soft.

Deran took a deep breath. “I just want you. I don’t want to see anyone else, only you. And, Jesus, do I ever want you. I was just afraid I was going to fuck you up if I touched you. Hurt you. I can’t…I can’t stand it when you cry.”

“That’s kind of a problem then because I don’t think I can stop. I’m either crying or I want to punch something.” Adrian hiccupped, wiping his face with his shoulder this time. 

“I, uh, sort of noticed. I thought you wanted to punch me out yesterday.” Deran remembered the anger in Adrian’s voice, the way he’d flipped the table…the way he’d lunged out of the hospital bed intent on pummeling him.

“Not my finest moment but I needed to see Pope so thank you for that.” Adrian’s voice sounded stronger.

“Will you ever tell me what’s going on?” Deran wheedled. In the past Adrian couldn’t keep a secret from him. That was interesting because Adrian kept all of Deran’s secrets but the moment he put pressure on Adrian about his, the other guy caved.

Adrian shook his head. “At this point it’s up to Pope. I’m sure later you’ll either figure it out or one of us will tell you.”

Deran let it go. It wasn’t worth upsetting Adrian over. It was time Deran did more things that didn’t upset the other guy. “Do you need a ride out to Jess’s?”

“She and Bobby are going to come get me. Maybe, uh, after a while you could come out and visit me? I know it’s a long haul so I’ll understand if you don’t want to. I just…I don’t think I’m in place to make any decisions. Fuck, this morning I burst into tears when they offered me a choice for breakfast. I just need to…be for a while, you know?” Adrian knuckled a bleary looking eye, suppressing a yawn. 

Adrian had always known what he’d wanted. Seeing him so tentative about, well, everything was kind of mind blowing. 

He shook it off. Adrian needed him and it was time he stepped up. If Deran was going to start doing things for Adrian’s sake, now would be the time to start. “I’m going to let you rest. I will call you in a week. If you need to talk to me before then call me. Anytime, doesn’t matter.” Deran slowly bent over. “Do you think I could hold you? Just for a minute? It’s hard seeing you so upset and not being able to, you know.”

Somewhere along the way, Deran had designated Adrian his safe port and had run to him whenever things had gotten rocky on the Smurf front. Adrian never came to him and it wasn’t because he lived a charmed life. Deran needed to do the same for Adrian.

Needed and wanted.

He wasn’t kidding when he said it was hard to see Adrian battling tears and not do something to make it better.

Although there were some battles he just wouldn’t be able to fight for the other man. He could be there for him though.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, cautiously, he opened his arms.

Adrian fell forward, tucking his cheek against the side of Deran’s neck. He pulled him closer, rubbing a hand up and down his back. This time Adrian’s muscles relaxed a little.

He snuggled against Deran and fuck, that made him feel like a million bucks. 

When Adrian yawned, Deran set him back against the pillows. “I’m going to show up at Jess’s in a week, sooner if you need me.” He stood up reluctantly and went to the door, pausing to get one last look at a rumpled, sleepy Adrian. 

Adrian nodded, curling on his side, waving a hand at Deran.

Walking away was one of the hardest things Deran had ever done but if they were going to be together, they both had some work to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more part to go and it will probably be posted on Monday. Thank you for reading!


	3. Give Me A Sign

Part 3

_Just give me a sign_  
_There's something buried in the words_  
_Give me a sign_  
_Your tears are adding to the flood_  
_Forever, and ever_  
_The scars will remain_

\- _Give Me A Sign _by Breaking Benjamin__

__

__Adrian had settled in at Jess’s but he’d been a nervous wreck, waiting for word on Gerber. It wasn’t like he could ask Pope if things had been taken care of so he was left using Google, trying to figure out if the guy was still among the living._ _

__He’d almost gone so far as to call Joy Rodriguez but he didn’t want to raise any red flags when—not if, definitely when, even if he had to take care of it himself—things went down. Although he supposed he shouldn’t cyberstalk the guy, come to think of it._ _

__Jess and Bobby were upstairs taking a nap. Adrian should take advantage of the quiet and try to get some sleep, too, but he was too keyed up._ _

__Tired and wired. It fucking sucked._ _

His cell phone pinged: _I’m in the driveway. Let me in?_

__Deran was here._ _

_Oh shit._ Deran was here and Adrian was a mental mess. 

He shot back a text: _k_

__

__

__Punching in the security code by rote, Adrian unlocked and opened the door._ _

__Damn, Deran looked good. He was wearing that burgundy long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up to expose his muscular forearms. He really, really had a thing for Deran’s arms. Adrian licked his lips…_ _

__“Hey, sailor, my eyes up here.” Deran’s baby blues sparkled with good humor and he smiled widely._ _

__Adrian blushed, hard, but he stepped back and waved Deran in. “Sorry. Come on in. Jess and Bobby are taking their afternoon nap so we can talk in the living room.”_ _

__Once Deran stepped inside, Adrian re-engaged the security system, waiting for it to arm itself with one last shrill beep before following inside._ _

__“Um, have a seat. Can I get you something to drink?” Adrian remembered he had manners and he should occasionally use them._ _

__Deran ignored him, stepping right into his face._ _

__Cradling his face with his big hands. “Jesus, Adrian, you look exhausted. What’s going on?”_ _

__In the face of Deran’s concern, Adrian just about turned into a puddle of goo._ _

__He tried to find his backbone but he couldn’t lie—he was fucking exhausted. He’d traded sleep for keeping his sis and nephew safe. It seemed like the best kind of trade-off in his opinion although how could he keep anyone safe if he was almost asleep on his feet?_ _

__Adrian opened his mouth to give some bullshit excuse and instead a sigh slipped out._ _

__Deran gathered him into his chest and Adrian should’ve put the brakes on but he just couldn’t deny himself the comfort. It felt good to let someone else take some of the weight off his shoulders, even if it was just for a while._ _

__“You’ve been worried about that fuckface, Gerber, haven’t you?” Deran’s voice was right next to his ear and Adrian shivered._ _

__He nodded but kept his mouth shut. If he opened it something more than a sigh might come out and Deran didn’t need him dripping his emotions all over him._ _

__“You can quit worrying. The asshole up and died in the hospital.” Deran’s words made Adrian weak in the knees._ _

__Literally weak in the knees, his body sagging gracelessly against Deran, nearly taking him off of his feet._ _

__There was a weird buzzing noise in his ears._ _

__He’d worry about it in a minute. His body decided he just needed to rest for a moment._ _

__-0-_ _

__“Adrian?” Deran panicked when Adrian’s full weight slumped against him._ _

__He needed to change his grip or they were both going to end up on the floor. Adrian wasn’t moving, hell, Deran wasn’t even sure he was breathing, so he swept him into his arms._ _

__Fuck, this always looked so easy in the movies but holding a fully grown—don’t forget fully muscled—male wasn’t easy, even though Deran worked out religiously._ _

__Adrian’s limbs hung down toward the ground and his head tipped back over Deran’s arm in what looked like a really uncomfortable position._ _

__There was no doubt in Deran’s mind: Adrian had passed out._ _

__The couch was the closest surface and Deran lost no time in stretching Adrian out on it._ _

__“Hey, I thought I heard voices…holy shit, what happened?” Jess sounded as frantic as Deran felt._ _

__The kid was in some sort of baby sling thing laying against Jess’s chest but that didn’t keep her from muscling Deran out of the way. “What. Happened?”_ _

__Jesus, she had the scary mom voice down already._ _

__Deran scrambled his brain for an answer. “I told him Gerber was dead and he, uh,” Deran gestured to the couch._ _

__“He fucking fainted. Oops, Bobby close your ears, you didn’t hear mommy swear.” She stepped back. “I suppose this has been a long time coming. I’ll get the idiot some water.”_ _

__Adrian shifted on the couch and Deran flew to his side, kneeling next to him. “Hey, just take it easy, Adrian.”_ _

__Eyelids flew open, Adrian staring up at Deran; his pupils were huge._ _

__Shock._ _

__Adrian licked his lower lip nervously. “He’s really dead?” He gave one hard shiver._ _

__Deran wanted to touch Adrian. He needed Adrian’s permission though. He could at least answer Adrian’s question. “Yeah, he’s really dead. Some sort of medication error.”_ _

__“I could just kiss you!” Adrian exclaimed. He followed his words with action, bolting upright and planting his lips against Deran, sucking and licking like he meant business._ _

__“I somehow don’t think that’s how you give mouth-to-mouth but it at least seems to have worked.” Jess’s words broke the moment, Adrian pulling back._ _

__Deran had forgotten that Jess was as big of a smart-ass as Adrian. He snorted while Adrian blushed. It at least put a little color in his cheeks and for that Deran was grateful._ _

__“Oh, no, don’t stop on our account. Bobby and I are going to finish our nap. You two…go about your business. But maybe you could move things into the Mancave? I want to be able to sit on that couch without worrying about what you two did on it.” She shoved a bottle into Deran’s hands. “Get him to drink that and make him rest. I’ll see you two at dinner.”_ _

__She swept out of the room, Bobby gurgling happily._ _

__“Oh. My. Gawd.” Adrian sounded mortified._ _

__“She’s right, you know.” Deran twisted the cap off the water and handed it to Adrian. “Drink.”_ _

__He accepted the bottle, pausing before he took a sip. “Please don’t let her hear you say that. She’ll be insufferable.”_ _

__Something finally clicked for Deran. The way Jess treated Adrian was similar to how Clarkson had treated him. It had driven him a little crazy there for a while, trying to figure out what some woman could offer Adrian that Deran couldn’t. Jess mothered Adrian through teasing and hadn’t Deran witnessed Clarkson using that very same tactic when he and Craig had sought them out at the beach?_ _

__Right before Clarkson died. Jesus, things had been shitty for Adrian lately._ _

__Now that Adrian was hydrated, Deran wanted to help him get some rest. “Come on, let’s see if the futon is going to cooperate.”_ _

__That startled a giggle out of Adrian; Deran could tell Adrian was still on the knife’s edge when it came to keeping his emotions in check and there really wasn’t anything Deran could do except be there for him._ _

__He helped Adrian into Bob’s Mancave, letting him unfold the futon while he grabbed the bedding. They made short work of getting it ready._ _

__Next Deran stripped Adrian out of his clothing, leaving him in his boxer briefs and t-shirt. He pushed him down on the futon while he pulled his own clothing off._ _

__Adrian turned on his left side and Deran scooted right up behind him, happy to play big spoon. His cock was pretty excited about being around Adrian again but Deran willed it to behave; now was not the time. He was still nervous about doing something to cause Adrian distress but his body really, really liked being close to him._ _

__“When did Gerber die?” Adrian had been quiet for so long, Deran thought maybe he’d drifted off already; apparently, he had too much on his mind._ _

__“This morning.” Deran connected some more dots. “So that’s why you wanted to talk to my brother?”_ _

__“When did you figure it out?” Adrian shifted back more, pushing his ass against Deran’s groin._ _

__“Just now.” Deran was more than happy to hold Adrian tightly, especially when he began shaking. “Hey, he can’t hurt you anymore.”_ _

__“Wasn’t worried about me.”_ _

__Jesus. That probably explained why Deran had acquired either a Craig or Pope-shaped shadow this last week._ _

__It also explained why Pope was willing to help out with the problem with a more permanent solution._ _

__Deran realized why Adrian had been so eager to get to his sister’s. “Did that fucker threaten Jess, too?”_ _

__He felt Adrian nod. “And Bobby.”_ _

__That explained Adrian’s level of anger, and panic, in the hospital. “You could’ve told me.”_ _

_You should’ve told me. Why didn’t you tell me?_

__“It felt like if I said it out loud, I’d make it real. Make it happen.” Adrian was still quivering and he sounded wrecked._ _

__Deran pressed a kiss to the back of Adrian’s neck. “Get some sleep, Babe. It’s my turn to stand watch for a while.”_ _

__-0-_ _

__Adrian woke up knowing he was having a nightmare but that didn’t stop his body from panicking._ _

__He scrambled off the futon, away from the body draped heavily against him, and tried to quietly have his panic attack. Where was the damned Xanax? That’s right, up on the highest shelf of the bookcase, just in case Bobby started crawling._ _

__Dry swallowing the pill, he leaned against the wall, waiting for his heartrate to slow and for his breathing to settle._ _

__It took a while but he finally felt like he could move without flying apart. He blinked his eyes open and checked the futon; shit, Deran was awake._ _

__Deran had witnessed his meltdown._ _

__He scrubbed his face with his hands before slipping into his shorts and tugging on his t-shirt. Now he at least felt like he could face Deran._ _

__“How often does that happen?” Deran was sitting up, lips turned down, but his tone wasn’t judgmental._ _

__Adrian didn’t want to come clean but if he and Deran had any shot at a future, they had to be honest with each other. “At least once a day.” _Whenever I sleep and that’s just another reason not to fall asleep.__ _

__“Do you know what triggers it?” It sounded like maybe Deran had done a little research. Adrian wasn’t sure whether to be pleased that he’d put the effort in or mortified Deran thought he had to figure out what was going on so he didn’t set Adrian off._ _

__“I have some ideas.” Adrian really didn’t want to share this part. Honesty as the best policy kind of sucked sometimes._ _

__Deran stood up and pulled his own clothing on. “Any chance you might share some of your ideas with me?”_ _

__“Someone leaning into me from behind…it’s the clearest memory I have from, uh, the start of this.” Adrian’s eyes welled up as he thought of the moments before he blacked out._ _

__How he thought Deran would come save him._ _

__Adrian supposed if he’d learned anything from this whole sorry episode it’s that he couldn’t depend on others to save him. That was going to have to come from within himself and it sucked. How did people stand this whole adulting thing? Although being a kid hadn’t really been all that great. Which reminded Adrian…_ _

__“Hey, um, I think it’s kind of sweet that you have a nickname for me but do you think you could stick with my name?” He didn’t want to hurt Deran’s feelings but the nickname thing reminded him of his dad._ _

__Deran blinked at Adrian’s request. “I have a nickname for you?”_ _

__Adrian smiled; it was kind of funny that Deran didn’t even realize he had been throwing _babe_ around. At least Adrian knew it came from his heart, wasn’t premeditated. “You might have called me Babe a time or two.”_ _

__“Oh, shit, that sounds like something Smurf would say.” Deran blushed and it was really fucking cute._ _

__“No, _baby_ , it’s really not.” His imitation of the woman was pretty damned good in his opinion. “But that’s not why I mentioned it. You remember how my dad ran around on my mom before he left us high and dry?” Deran nodded but looked unsure. Adrian continued because this would totally make sense to his friend. “Well, he apparently called everyone Babe so he wouldn’t have to remember their real names, including my mom. A class act, that guy was, let me tell you.”_ _

__Neither one of his parents had been stellar. He was lucky to have a sister like Jess. And a friend like Deran. That had been enough to get him through._ _

__Deran walked over to him. “I promise, I will never Babe you on purpose and if I do, you call me on that shit.” He lifted Adrian’s chin, staring into his eyes; Adrian could get lost in Deran’s eyes, they were such a beautiful shade of blue. “Before I lose my nerve, I want to tell you that I’ve started seeing a therapist. I have my first appointment this week.”_ _

__Adrian blinked at him hard, his brain recalibrating. “I, uh, wow. I don’t know what to say.”_ _

__“Say you’ll give me another chance. I know we can make this work.” Deran’s hand moved to the back of Adrian’s neck, kneading the tense muscles._ _

__He cleared his throat, still lost in Deran’s eyes. “I’m scared. I’m all kinds of fucked up. I start seeing a psychiatrist this week but I don’t know how long it will take to figure this shit out. How long before I’m functional again.”_ _

__“Adrian, I’m not going anywhere. Except apparently back and forth between Oceanside and fucking El Centro at least once a week.” Deran rested his forehead against Adrian’s._ _

__Adrian’s eyes just about crossed trying to maintain eye contact. “You can’t keep that up. That’s like two and a half hours each way.”_ _

__“Two hours and forty-five minutes but who’s counting? And yeah, I can keep this up as long as it takes. Now I hear Jess slamming things around in the kitchen. Maybe we ought to volunteer to make dinner so she doesn’t burn the house down.” Deran stepped back, eyes crinkled from smiling._ _

__“I dare you to remind her of that. She might be short but she’s feisty.” Adrian could smile more easily; Deran thought he was worth making the effort to see. It was a far cry from the earlier versions of their relationship. Maybe this could work._ _

__Assuming Adrian could get rid of some of his anxiety._ _

__“Yeah, well, you redheads are known for your quick tempers.” Deran teased. Adrian loved when Deran was in a good mood like this._ _

__His fingers went to the hair at the nape of his neck. “I’m not a redhead. I’ve been told it’s auburn. Or when I’ve been out in the sun, copper.”_ _

__Not that he’d been out in the sun recently._ _

__“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Ba…Adrian.”_ _

__“Nice save there.” Adrian didn’t expect perfection, he just appreciated the effort._ _

__They exited the Mancave hand in hand._ _

__-0-_ _

__Deran fidgeted in the chair. There was a large desk between him and the therapist, a guy named Stedman._ _

__The guy smiled; it seemed natural and he made good eye contact. Deran thought maybe this could work._ _

__They’d gone through some sort of assessment that asked all sorts of invasive questions. His mental health history. His alcohol and other drug history. His health history. Education, work and even contacts with law enforcement._ _

__Deran was exhausted from thinking about it all. But he’d told the truth, even when he hadn’t wanted to._ _

__Stedman looked at his computer screen and then at Deran. “I’m going to ask you a few more questions. It’s to help us figure out what you want to work on when we meet next time. Here’s my first question: Why did you make this appointment?”_ _

__This was an easy one. “My boyfriend was kidnapped and raped. I need to be able to help him but I, uh, seem to have some issues about what happened, too.”_ _

__Despite rapidly typing, Stedman continued to look at Deran. “Can you describe your issues for me?”_ _

__“Well, right after it happened I was afraid to, you know, touch him? I didn’t want to hurt him.” Deran scratched his beard. Other than being tired from talking this wasn’t as hard as he thought it would be, not that he was getting cocky._ _

__Stedman crinkled his nose. “How did that go over with your boyfriend?”_ _

__“Not so good. He thought I didn’t want him anymore.” It took fucking Craig to point that out to him which was just wrong. It really irked Deran when Craig was right about relationships._ _

__“And did you?” Deran blanked for a moment; the therapist clarified. “Did you still want to have sex with him?”_ _

__His kneejerk reaction was a resounding _hell yeah_ but he slowed down and thought about it. “I’ve always been attracted to him but for a short while, it seemed like everything upset him. I guess I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be rejected if I made a move on him and he wasn’t ready so my body just didn’t get interested.”_ _

__“That’s very astute of you, Deran. Painful, I’m sure, but very true. So, off the top of your head, do you have two or three things you want us to work on to help you? I’m going to ask this question a few times while we work together so don’t feel like you have to have it figured out now. I’m just wondering if you know.” Stedman was back to typing, his focus on the computer screen this time._ _

__It gave Deran a moment to think. “I don’t really know, just that I don’t want to hurt Adrian. He’s been hurt enough, you know?”_ _

__The guy stopped typing and looked at Deran. “I think we can address that but it might seem like it’s in a roundabout way. You see we use what’s called a Person Centered Recovery Plan and that means the goals are personal to you, not anyone else. What skills can we work on that will make you cope easier or move toward something that you want to achieve—that’s what we’ll be working on.” He let that sink in for a moment before he continued. “Tell me about your parents. What kind of relationship you have with them.”_ _

__Deran flinched; he didn’t want to think about deadbeat Billy or control freak Smurf. He supposed it was inevitable though._ _

__Had he really thought this might be easy? Jesus, he was happy the appointment was only fifty minutes long. He was already thinking he’d ask Craig to meet him at the bar for some drinks._ _

__And calling Adrian and telling him about his appointment. He hadn’t missed the way Adrian had been shocked that Deran might go through with this._ _

__Adrian didn’t realize Deran would do anything to make this thing work._ _

__But he would._ _

__-0-_ _

__Adrian wiped his hands on his jeans, wishing he could wipe his nerves away as easily as the clamminess clinging to his skin._ _

__Deran and Craig had made the trek out to El Centro to test out how Adrian’s exposure therapy was coming along. Dr. Ahmad, Amala, had suggested the meeting after Adrian had described his first panic attack._ _

__Craig seemed smitten with the dark-haired beauty and his attempts at flirtation made Adrian roll his eyes. Deran elbowed him. “He’s good for comic relief if nothing else.”_ _

__“I heard that.” Craig glowered at Deran but his smile softened as he looked at Adrian. “I’m happy to help you out, A. Him,” he pointed at Deran, “not so much.”_ _

__Adrian’s laugh had a nervous edge to it but it still felt good. “Thanks for coming, Craig. I know the drive is long.”_ _

__“Eh, I’m looking forward to seeing Jess again. We older siblings can gang up on you babies.” Craig’s smile was pure evil._ _

__Adrian had forgotten about Craig’s flirtation with Jess. He supposed it was because Craig flirted with every female and Adrian didn’t even think his friend was conscious of his actions. He flirted just as easy as breathing. Jess was happy with Bob but it would probably give her ego a boost._ _

__Not to mention the two of them probably would pick on him and Deran._ _

__“Okay, let’s get started, shall we?” Amala spoke in the same even cadence and same volume as she always used. It was hard imagining her losing her temper although Adrian knew if pushed enough, anyone could. He just appreciated her patience with him._ _

__Craig raised his hand; Deran snickered._ _

__“Yes, Craig?” Amala smiled, falling for Craig’s charm._ _

__“You just want me to walk up behind Adrian and touch his shoulder?” He tucked his hair behind his ears; it was a nervous tell and Adrian felt guilty._ _

__Deran squeezed Adrian’s arm. The show of support helped._ _

__Amala nodded. “Yes, please. Adrian will have his back to you. He will be talking with me and Deran. Just walk up to him and like you said, put your hand on his shoulder.”_ _

__Adrian followed Amala and Deran who stood with their backs to the wall. It wasn’t easy but Adrian kept his back to the door._ _

__His palms were sweaty again and his heartrate bumped up to a fast-paced skip._ _

__Deran smiled at him but it was just a curve of his lips, not with his eyes._ _

__Amala’s smile was more natural. “So, you two have known each other for a long time?”_ _

__She directed the question to Adrian. “Since we were twelve when my family moved to Oceanside. I guess that means thirteen years.”_ _

__A hand squeezed his shoulder from behind and Adrian’s mind blanked._ _

__It took a moment but Amala’s suggestions took over. He channeled Shavasana despite being upright instead of in corpse pose, checking in with each muscle group. It was no surprise that he was tense all over and he concentrated on releasing asana, slowly deepening his breathing and flexing his fingers and toes. When Amala had suggested using yoga to combat his panic, Adrian had jumped all over it._ _

__“Adrian?” Amala was standing in front of him. Her back stooped as she looked into his face which meant Adrian was bent over. His hands were on his knees and his head hung low._ _

__He straightened up, startling Amala. “I’m okay.” He looked at Deran, smiling. “I’m okay!”_ _

__Craig cleared his throat. “Um, does that mean I can join you guys?”_ _

__His laughter had a hysterical edge to it but this was huge. He _was_ okay. That’s not to say that the next time someone tall walked about behind him he wouldn’t freak out but maybe, just maybe, it would get better._ _

__-0-_ _

__Deran was trying to get a bunch of shit done at the bar. It wasn’t ideal, his taking off for El Centro for one night and most of two days a week, but he was making it work._ _

__His cell phone trilled with an incoming call from its perch on the bar top. He picked it up glancing at it, expecting it to be Craig._ _

__It was Jess; they’d exchanged contact information along the way but she’d never called him before. “Jess? Everything okay?”_ _

__“Deran.” She sounded upset. Not like she was crying, but like she was trying to figure out what to say._ _

__“Jesus, Jess, just tell me would you?” Deran was already gathering up his paper work and shoving it into the back room with no regard for order. He snagged his go-bag from beneath the desk. His wallet was in his back pocket, his keys were now in hand and he had the cell phone to his ear._ _

__He was ready to head out._ _

__Jess spoke so softly, Deran had to concentrate to hear her. “He’s locked himself in the Mancave.”_ _

__“What happened?” Deran couldn’t imagine a scenario in which Adrian would hide from his sister and nephew._ _

__“He and Amala did something new today with the exposure therapy. That detective, Joy, got Adrian the recording from, you know, and they listened to some of it. He’s freaked the hell out, Deran. I don’t know what to do.” She whisper-hissed at him._ _

__Deran racked his brain. “There aren’t any weapons in the Mancave, right?”_ _

__“No, it’s clear.” Jess sounded certain; it made sense especially with Bobby being on the verge of going mobile._ _

__“Shit, the bottle of Xanax. Is it still on the top shelf of the book case?” Deran didn’t want to think Adrian would do anything stupid but he could still hear Clarkson’s voice reciting statistics about rape victims and overdoses._ _

__Jess hummed. “He’s only got two doses left. I don’t think even he could overdose on that.” She sounded much calmer._ _

__“Is it okay if I head out there a day early?” Deran didn’t really care what she said; he was heading out the door._ _

__This time Jess actually snorted. “Of course. Maybe he’ll be have liberated himself by then. I mean he’s got to pee eventually.”_ _

__“See you soon, Jess. And thanks for calling.” He disconnected and headed for the van._ _

__As soon as he was on the I-5 going south, he used his Bluetooth to call Craig._ _

__His brother picked up on the second ring. “Yo, bro, we still on for later tonight?”_ _

__“Adrian had a bad session today so I’m on my way to see him.” Deran didn’t have to go into details with Craig; after his brother had accidentally set off Adrian’s first panic attack, he’d been very invested in Adrian’s progress. Invested and protective._ _

__“Oh, that sucks, man. You need me to cover at the bar for you?” Craig’s offer was huge. Deran couldn’t keep asking Heather to work double shifts for him; it wasn’t fair to her and he couldn’t really afford it._ _

__“Do you think you could handle it both tonight and tomorrow night? I’ll be back for the Thursday night crowd, I promise.” For some reason The Drop did a huge business on Thursday nights, not that Deran was complaining. His take on that night usually trumped Saturday nights but whatever._ _

__“I’ve got it covered, bro. Just take care of A. Call if you need anything else.” Craig sounded sober and also happy. Deran would have to do some prodding when he got back to figure out what was going on with Craig although maybe it was as simple as Craig finally getting his shit together._ _

__Deran rolled his neck, some of the tension leaving him. “Thanks, Craig. Seriously. I owe you.”_ _

__Craig snorted. “I’ll take payment in tequila. Talk to you later.”_ _

__Traffic was getting snarly so Deran was happy to concentrate on it for a while. It kept him from running scenarios through his head._ _

__For once the I-8 wasn’t a nightmare and somehow Deran shaved twenty minutes off his best time. He’d just moved with traffic which thank fuck was moving at a fast clip._ _

__The door opened before Deran got the van parked in the driveway. Jess held Bobby in her arms. She looked pale but composed while Bobby shared one of his patented saliva filled smiles with Deran._ _

__“Hey, any change?” Deran asked Jess even as he grabbed Bobby’s flailing hand. They were working on a Bro Shake and if Deran didn’t do it, the kid lost his shit. It was much quieter all around if he just gave in. That and the kid was cute and he always smiled at Deran like he was happy to see him._ _

__“He emerged for a while and he looks rough. The door’s not locked anymore though. Maybe I panicked and shouldn’t have called you but Christ, he scared me. Adrian doesn’t do shit like that, you know? He’s always been the mellow Jones.” Jess gnawed on her lip before stepping back. “Grab a bottle of water for yourself and him and then check on him, okay?”_ _

__With a final pat of hands with Bobby, Deran took Jess up on her suggestion and grabbed some waters from the fridge. Tucking them into the crook of his left arm, he opened the door to the Mancave. “Adrian?” He looked around but Adrian wasn’t on the futon._ _

__Maybe he was in the bathroom or something._ _

__“Deran?” Shit, Adrian was sitting on the floor, back against the wall, arms crossed on his bent knees. With his floppy hair he looked very similar to how he looked when Deran first met him. Young. Innocent. Scared._ _

__Deran entered the room, closing the door behind him. “Here, have some water.”_ _

__Adrian took the water, screwing the cap off, sipping listlessly. Deran followed suit but he drained his bottle in steady glugs._ _

__The last thing Deran wanted to do was sit on the hardwood floor after sitting in the van for two and half hours but he sank down on to his butt. He was close enough to touch Adrian but he wouldn’t do it without permission. “Jess said you had a rough session.”_ _

__“Yeah. It was. It was…”. Adrian’s voice trailed off and he stared across the room, eyes unfocussed._ _

__He looked about like Deran had expected—hair disheveled, skin pale and eyes pink. Deran wanted nothing more than to pull Adrian into his arms but he suspected that’s not what Adrian needed at the moment._ _

__Deran tried prompting him again. “So, Joy shared the recording and Amala thought it was a good idea for you to listen to it?”_ _

__Adrian nodded his head, silent. He turned to Deran. “Do you think I could have a hug?”_ _

__“Yeah. Come on.” He pushed to his feet and held his hand out. “Easier to do this standing I think.”_ _

__Putting his hand in Deran’s, Adrian pulled himself to his feet. He was still strong and flexible but he’d definitely lost weight since this whole thing had started._ _

__Opening his arms, Deran waited for Adrian to step into his space. It was a relief for Deran to be able to tug Adrian close, rub his hand up and down his spine, bury his nose in Adrian’s hair. “You’re not alone, Adrian.”_ _

__Deran didn’t time it but it felt like a five-minute hug. It went a long way toward restoring his own equilibrium. He could only hope it did the same for Adrian._ _

__-0-_ _

__Adrian dashed the tears from his cheeks. He hadn’t cried in a while but today had been a setback, at least in that regards. The jury was still out on his overall progress._ _

__He took Deran’s hand and pulled him over to the futon. “I’m sorry. Two hours and forty-five minutes in the van isn’t conducive to sitting on the floor. Let’s sit on the futon.”_ _

__“Two hours and fifteen minutes today.” Deran collapsed onto the futon but didn’t release Adrian’s hand._ _

__Adrian scrunched his face up as he sank down next to him, setting the water on the floor. “You’re lucky you didn’t get pulled over.”_ _

__Deran shrugged. “What can I say, I was motivated.”_ _

__A burst of warmth flowed from his chest. He’d been cold since he’d left Amala’s office but Deran had someone managed to banish the chill._ _

__With another squeeze of his hand, Deran turned so he was facing Adrian. He smoothed some of the hair from Adrian’s face and it was such a sweet, sweet gesture Adrian thought he was going to start crying again._ _

__Swiping a finger beneath Adrian’s eye, maybe trying to catch moisture or sooth a dark smudge, Deran asked the tough question. “Do you want to talk about it?”_ _

__Adrian wanted to shrug his shoulders and ignore the question but this was all a part of therapy. Dealing with shit so he could move on. “No? But I will.”_ _

__Deran barked a quiet laugh and Adrian received yet another squeeze of the hand. Just that simple touch grounded him._ _

__Clearing this throat, Adrian began. “Amala thought it might help for me to hear some of what was recorded. She said the unknown might be scarier than the knowing. I was leery but she hasn’t steered me wrong. I called Joy and she released some of the recording to Amala. Just audio, no visual.”_ _

__Deran waited for him to continue. He didn’t prompt or question or any of the other shit that would’ve made Adrian clam up. He just patiently waited._ _

__“I think the scariest part for me was not knowing why I was targeted. I mean the survey I filled out had some BDSM elements to it but it wasn’t anything horrible. I thought maybe it had to do with them thinking I’m a pain slut. Um, I’m not. I just don’t mind things a little rough.” Adrian could feel his face heating up._ _

__Deran’s face was also pink but he didn’t seem put off. He gave Adrian a crooked smile. “I think I know what you like but if I ever get it wrong, I hope you know you just have to tell me and I’ll stop.”_ _

__“Yeah, I know.” And Adrian really, really did know it. He trusted Deran with his body. He was close to trusting him with his heart but first he was going to share a piece of his mind. “The idiots they recorded were talking about something called ACE. They didn’t know what it meant but I do. It stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences.”_ _

__“What, you mean like shitty things that happen to you when you’re a kid?” Some people thought Deran was just a pretty face but he was scary smart. Intuitive. And right._ _

__“Exactly. Like what happens to adults who had a high number of ACE events and how some overcome them better than others. And I scored really high. I think this…fucking freak was testing my resiliency. He was going to inflict more really shitty things on me to see if I bounced back or broke.” Adrian hunched over, his elbows on his knees, rocking._ _

__Deran scooted closer and put his arm around Adrian drawing him closer. “Hey, he can’t hurt you anymore. And you know what? You are the most resilient person I know, Adrian. Fuck him. He can’t take that away from you. He tried but you won.”_ _

__It didn’t really feel like a win but damn, Adrian was relieved he hadn’t been tested further. Until he took the ACE questionnaire he’d never really thought about how fucked up his childhood had been. He scored a six out of ten which meant he easily could be suffering from mental illness or practicing super risky behaviors or all sorts of fucked up. He hadn’t been, at least not until Gerber had intervened._ _

__“Hey, what are you thinking?” Deran tiled his chin back to stare into his face. Adrian easily lost himself whenever he stared into Deran’s perfect blue eyes. “Adrian?”_ _

__He blinked. Now was not the time to get lost. “When we were growing up did you think my home life was fucked up?”_ _

__Deran kept combing his hand through Adrian’s hair but he bit his lip. “I was a self-centered prick. I think I was too busy thinking about my shit life that it didn’t really occur to me until we were out of high school. I mean your mom used to push you around and put you down but you never seemed to let it touch you.” He pressed a kiss to Adrian’s forehead. “You’re amazing.”_ _

__“I had Jess. And I had you. It wasn’t that bad as long as I didn’t think about it.” Repression really was Adrian’s go-to coping mechanism._ _

__He let Deran pull him into his lap which, wow, he’s lucky he didn’t pull a muscle because Adrian was not small. “Thanks for listening to me. I’m sorry you felt like you had to come here a day early.”_ _

__“I’m not sorry. I don’t think you realize you’re my priority, Adrian. Not the bar, not Smurf and her drama…you.” When Deran kissed the corner of his lips and rocked him like this, he believed._ _

__Adrian did feel like he was first in Deran’s life. He just wished it wasn’t because he kept melting down._ _

__Maybe now that he’d gotten some answers, he could move on._ _

__-0-_ _

__Deran was nervous. Adrian had been spending more and more time in Oceanside but Deran had given up his apartment and living above the bar wasn’t ideal._ _

__Sure, they had a kitchen and toilet but no shower. And no decent bed._ _

__Today was the day he was going to ask Adrian if he wanted to move into a place with Deran. A real place._ _

__“What’s going on with you? You’re all twitchy.” Adrian asked as he poured them both some orange juice._ _

__“I, ah, was wondering if maybe you’d like to look at a place on the Strand with me. We could check the surf, shower off and then check it out.” Deran held his breath as Adrian froze in place, orange juice suspended inches from his mouth._ _

__Adrian blinked hard. “A place? What kind of place?”_ _

__“A place that would have a shower. And possibly a real bed.” Deran was trying not to bombard Adrian with too much information, letting him connect the dots._ _

__Setting the glass down, Adrian rubbed his hands on his thighs. “A place for you to live and me to visit?”_ _

__“That.” Deran took a sip of his juice, more to have something to do then because he was thirsty. “Or you could live there with me if you wanted.”_ _

__Adrian planted both hands on the metal island, letting his head fall forward._ _

__Deran climbed to his feet and hovered next to him. “Adrian”_ _

__After a deep breath, Adrian straightened. He was both pale and flushed. It was both concerning and arousing._ _

__Adrian flashed a nervous smile. “I’m not sure? I mean I want to but I’m still pretty wishy-washy with the decision making.”_ _

__It was hard watching his once super confident friend turn into a mass of insecurities but at the core, he was still Adrian. He’d come through this. That fuckface professor had gotten that right if nothing else—Adrian was off the charts resilient. He’d taken Deran back after all the shit he’d put him through and it wasn’t like Adrian was a shrinking violet. He could go toe-to-toe with Deran and hold his own._ _

__Usually. Maybe not lately. But he would again in the future, of that Deran had no doubt._ _

__“No pressure. But I’d appreciate it if you took a look at the place with me. You’ve got a better eye for detail.” Again, that was the complete truth. Deran had only to stare at the photo Adrian had taken of him to know he had a great eye. Composition wise. In fact, Deran was going to see if Adrian was interested in pursuing photography as a major, he thought he was that good._ _

__Sometimes he couldn’t believe that someone as smart, sweet and don’t forget hot saw something in Deran._ _

__Adrian’s smile became more natural, eyes crinkling at the corners. “I’d like that.”_ _

__Deran cautioned himself to take things slow. He didn’t want to rush Adrian into anything but he thought they’d do well living together._ _

__If not soon, then one day._ _

__-0-_ _

__Adrian wasn’t sure he was ready for this. Two months ago he would’ve been turning handsprings with happiness but now he second guessed almost every decision he made._ _

__Amala was working with him. She wasn’t blond and a smart-ass like Jess but she had infinite amounts of patience just like her._ _

__He hadn’t known her long but at moments like this Adrian found himself missing Kathleen. She’d tell him what to do. Probably something like _pull your head out of your ass_ for starters._ _

__“If you don’t like this one, we can keep looking.” Deran was being so patient with him. Maybe it shouldn’t be such a revelation but yet it was. Hadn’t Deran always looked out for him, making sure he was fed and had money and that kind of thing? Now he was also looking out for Adrian’s emotional wellbeing and it was just a lot to take in._ _

__What did you do when you finally got everything you’d ever wanted but lost a part of yourself along the way?_ _

__Enough with this introspection. “Is it okay if we look around on our own?”_ _

__The realtor looked to Deran who nodded his head. The woman smiled. “Of course. I’ll be right here if you have any questions._ _

__Adrian drifted toward the bedroom. It faced the water and he could hear the surf. Some of the tension left his muscles._ _

__The room was bare but Adrian could picture a real bed in here. Deran hooked his chin over his shoulder. “King sized bed. Right in the middle of the room. What do you think?”_ _

__“I think my back would be eternally grateful.” Adrian felt happiness bubble in his chest._ _

__They still hadn’t had anal sex but Adrian knew without a doubt Deran wanted him; Deran’s body didn’t lie. Adrian could picture them in this room. Mapping each other’s bodies._ _

__“Originally I was going to look at houses but Pope pointed out I would be busy at the bar and with you going back to school it would be good if some of the maintenance fell on the condo association.” Deran picked his head up but slung an arm casually around Adrian’s waist._ _

__They’d come a long way. Not to mention now Pope was dispensing advice and Deran was listening._ _

__They poked their noses in the bathroom again and it was also light and airy. And it had a working shower. Adrian loved the water, whether in the ocean or while bathing. “This seems like a solid bathroom.”_ _

__Deran pinched his ass. “You just care about the running water.”_ _

__Adrian’s cheeks began to hurt from smiling so much. “Truth.”_ _

__The kitchen was not too large but not too small and he could picture them cooking together in this space._ _

__Bright light filled every nook and cranny of the living room and in his mind Adrian saw green plants spilling across the surfaces, thriving._ _

__It looked like a good place for living._ _

__“Will you please excuse us for a moment?” Deran quietly asked the realtor who was more than willing to step outside. Adrian thought she could probably smell the commission and would do whatever required to secure it._ _

__“Adrian, you’ve gotta give me a sign here. Do you like this place? I thought you’d enjoy being close to the water.” Deran leaned against the kitchen island, parting his legs, pulling Adrian between them._ _

__Adrian let himself be drawn into Deran’s arms. “What if you get tired of me? I know I’m fucked up. What if I never get better?”_ _

__Deran had the gall to laugh in his face. “If you’re fucked up, what does that make me? And you’ve put up with me and all of the Cody bullshit for over a decade so I think I can handle anything you throw at me. And Adrian?” Deran tipped Adrian’s chin up so he could stare at his face. “You’re getting better. You just need to give yourself a break.”_ _

__Deran was doing and saying all the right things and Adrian thought he was being sincere. He’d always had a fairly accurate bullshit meter when it came to Deran’s shenanigans._ _

__Jess thought he could trust him._ _

__Kathleen had said the same._ _

__The thought of Kathleen still made him a little misty eyed._ _

__“Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me. Please.” Deran pushed hair from his face and Adrian felt exposed without it to hide behind._ _

__Maybe it was time he stopped hiding._ _

__“It’s just…a lot.” Adrian leaned his forehead against Deran’s._ _

__“If you’re not ready to move in together yet, there’s no rush. I’ll wait a month. A year. Whatever it takes. But does it at least seem like the kind of place you’d want to stay when you visit me?”_ _

__Damn it. When Deran said shit like that Adrian was putty in his hands._ _

__He took a deep breath. “Yeah, okay. Let’s do it. It’ll take me a while to get my shit together. Eventually I can kick in with the payment and everything else. But yeah, I want to move in here with you.”_ _

__Deran pressed his lips against Adrian’s and they lost themselves in the moment._ _

__-0-_ _

__Deran couldn’t believe it._ _

__Adrian had said yes._ _

__The kiss went on and one and on until they both needed to come up for air._ _

__Living together was a huge first step. It was the last goal on his recovery plan and he was pretty sure his therapist was going to turn him loose once it was a done deal. The guy said he could come back for maintenance sessions, or anytime he had something he needed to work on, but he’d made significant progress._ _

__Deran had sworn he’d never see a therapist but it was SoCal where more people had one than didn’t._ _

__Not to mention it felt like he had to work through some issues, quickly, or risk losing Adrian forever._ _

__Adrian had always been gutsy—one of the few people who had ever stood up to Deran aside from his family—and it was hard seeing him struggle. Making long-range plans, or any decision, seemed to send Adrian into a tailspin and it was completely out of character but Deran finally understood it, or thought he did._ _

__His friend, and he’d always be Deran’s friend first, had been traumatized. Kidnapped. Drugged. Raped. The cycle had almost started over again except it had ended with Adrian’s new friend dying._ _

__Adrian was on the right track, he just needed time. Deran was going to be as patient as Adrian needed. He was so fucking worth it._ _

__“Hey, are you sure you’re ready for this?” Adrian tugged on Deran’s sleeve._ _

__Adrian was wearing the blue sleeveless hoodie that not only drew attention to his incredible arms but made his big blue eyes pop. “I’m sooo ready for this.”_ _

__“Why are you looking at me like that?” Adrian blushed._ _

__Deran needed to cool things off a little or they were going to end up having sex on the kitchen island. “What, like I want to wrestle with you on a Venus Flytrap futon?”_ _

__That made Adrian snort. “I think we should get a futon.”_ _

__“For old time’s sake? Maybe for the living room. You deserve a real bed in the bedroom.” He waggled his eyebrows and Adrian snorted again._ _

__The amusement faded from Adrian’s face. “I love you, Deran.”_ _

__That was the unmistakable sign, the one he’d been waiting for. He’d wanted to say the words for weeks now but he hadn’t wanted to pressure Adrian. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Adrian. I love you.”_ _

__Deran had tried to show Adrian with everything he did how he felt. Show, don’t tell—that was a literary thing they’d learned about in high school. But sometime words were necessary._ _

__He meant every fucking word._ _

__Finis_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt is always difficult to write for, and not always pleasant to read about, so thank you if you stuck with it. Hopefully the happy ending made up for some of the angst.
> 
> I'm writing four other stories (simultaneously) in this fandom and with this pairing so perhaps you'll come back and sample some of them when I begin posting.
> 
> <3


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